Scattered Pictures Of My Life

~One Step Closer To Heaven~Means One Step Closer To You~

2010-07-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

~Our New Vacation Home~Under Construction~

~The Pool At Our New Home~

~Lunch At Market~Love The Olden Days Feel~

~The Drink Which Earned Me The Label Of Little Kid~Milo Ice~

Quote of the day: I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry - Mariah Carey "Against All Odds"

~If You Leave Me Now~You'll Take Away The Very Heart Of Me~

2010-06-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not a kid!

Wa um si kin kiaaa!

Lim Ribena Longan ze ma

Lim Milo Ice ze ma

Ah neh kuan pun beh sai meh

Jin jia cham oh

Gam

Wa gi si bin dua lang leh

Sien sien sien

I always thought I was mature. But the truth is people around me see me as a kid. I think I really am honestly, having not given up childish ways totally. Ordering kiddy food in restaurants, wearing kiddy clothes to work on Casual Friday, having a kiddy laugh and smile, having kiddy eyes, holding and not letting go of my mom's hand when we go shopping, getting excited over little girl's dresses which I can no longer wear, not to mention crying in broad daylight in the middle of the street.

"You're such a kid!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You're the only one in the whole company whose age starts with the number 1."

~Hokkien Songs Rule~

~L~Is For The Way You Look At Me~O~Is For The Only One I See~

2010-06-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Best friends.

What do they mean?
To be there with the other person through their ups and downs?
I've always been there for so many people.
So many people have been here for me.
I understand many people.
Many people understand me.
They tell me their secrets and problems.
I tell them mine.
So tell me.
How do I choose the best?
And what does it mean to be best friends?

The following happened to my good friend's friend.

This girl, she had a boyfriend who had a best friend which happened to be a girl. And what happened was that he talked about the best friend all the time, went out with her all the time and basically was just really close to her. The girlfriend, being only human, naturally felt jealous and insecure, but the boyfriend did nothing to reassure her, or to make her feel better. Everytime she confronted him, he told her there was nothing between them and that they were just friends. But honestly, everytime she needed him, he was never there. But he was always there for the best friend, and cares for that friend so much more than his own girlfriend. He feels sorry when he upset his best friend, but never sorry when he upset his own girlfriend. He did not even stop to think that for a moment, he could have been the one who was wrong. But because the girlfriend loved him and wanted to believe in him, she held on and kept trying. For years she endured his behaviour but one day when she could no longer take it, she broke it off. And to no surprise, the guy didn't even make an effort to fix the relationship and just let her go.

So there you see, why I never really liked the fact that these best friends tend to ruin things for everyone.

Theres no such thing as blurring the line between friendship and love, and that's how I perceive things to be. Like I told you earlier, there has to be a line between relationships with people. You are either just friends, and always friends, or you are a couple, and always will be. When I say we are good friends, when I make up my mind to say that, it means that there will never be anything between us, because I already drew the line, and no matter what you try to do to take the relationship furthur, I will not erase that line.

Of course, I totally agree with you that some people start out as "best friends" and end up being more than that, but the truth is from the start, they never actually intended to be just friends, in their hearts they knew that they wanted something more. Thus my conclusion that if you see someone as a friend, that person will forever remain as one. Nothing more, nothing less.

I admit I didn't tell you the whole story of this best friend issue because I couldn't see how I could through MSN. I promised that there would be no more sadness, but in order to explain the situation, and to get you to understand what I feel and what I mean, I have to tell you this story. But please, don't think too much of it. It's the past, and I've completely erased any feelings I had in the past from my mind.

I never had a best friend, because in my heart now, I denied ever having one. And till this day, I don't even know if the relationship between me and him was enough to constitute best friends, but the fact remains is that we no longer are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was in my last year of high school, I was good friends with the guy sitting in front of me. I was a new student and naturally he took really good care of me. Days past and we grew to be rather close, till the extent that he changed seats and chose to sit next to me instead. At that time, I didn't feel anything, I thought he was just being nice, despite what the other people said about us.

Soon, he started telling me things about his family, his life, his relationships. Turns out he was in love with a girl in another class, and this girl just so happened to be my primary school classmate. What a small world. Anyways, I thought nothing of it, but as the days past, I noticed something wrong. I have to admit, I was a 'celebrity' back then. Every knew me, everyone wanted to be friends with me, and I was the teacher's pet. And so naturally there would be many guys surrounding me, but from then on he would get angry whenever they talk to me. He keeps me close, yet gives his heart to another. He gets jealous and possessive, but he never wanted to be with me. He says I Love You, I Miss You. But he never meant any of those words. And I never responded as well. But honestly, how was I supposed to feel and react? I thought we were just friends.

But everyday he comes to me with new problems about that other girl, and to see him get hurt over and over again, while I could do nothing but sit there staring at him with a blank face, was extremely tiring. Then on Valentine's day, he gave me nothing. Instead, he took out a heart shaped box and showed it to me. For that one stupid stupid stupid moment in time, I actually thought that the present was for me. But obviously it wasn't. He asked me if it was pretty enough, and that he was going to give it to her. I was devastated, but I smiled and said it was beautiful.

As expected, the girl never liked him and thus went out with someone else. He then said he wasn't ready to have a relationship with anyone else because he couldn't bear to be hurt again, and he told me to wait. (For what? I never liked him LOLx) And so I didn't wanna sit with him anymore. The pressure was too much to take. So I moved to the back and sat with another guy friend of mine, and I was happy because we could talk about everything and joke and laugh, all the time knowing that we are just friends, nothing more. He was temporarily erased from my mind.

And so, after 2 years, nothing happened. We didn't talk, we didn't meet. Absolutely nothing. He told me nothing. I had to hear it from someone else's mouth that he found someone new. And he never even bothered to tell me. I let go of our friendship because eventually, I got confused. He was confused as well. Our friendship, what did it mean?

Now, after all these years, he starts to look for me again. He calls me, talks to me on MSN, but I'm just so tired to reply. He tells me all these problems, and I say:"Go to your girlfriend." He says she dosen't care and that I was the only one who understood. He then starts saying 'I love you' and all that freaking nonsense, when he knows there is nothing between us. But I'm not stupid. He's just using me as a substitute for the comfort and care that he can't get from the one he truly loves. Now, in my eyes, hes just a really annoying and weird guy. Nothing more. I don't even see us as friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus, in conclusion, I don't want to confuse people and hurt people who think that they can get more than friendship from me. So I can safely tell you that I don't wanna be best friends with just any guy. I don't want to be the best friend that might potentially ruin people's relationships. I don't wanna be the third party. Don't wanna be a substitute.

That is why these days I get paranoid, I get insecure, I think too much. I always wonder, what am I to people? Am I your friend? Am I your good friend? Am I something more? Or am I nothing at all?

Forgive me, but unless you are able to convince me otherwise, the words best friends mean nothing to me. I will be a good friend, but I don't wanna be a best friend to anyone I don't feel comfortable with, and I don't know if I can truly handle having a best friend. Because in my heart, I've already drawn a permanent line.

I don't know.
I need convincing.
My thoughts might be wrong.

Would you want to be my best friend or my "best friend"? :)

~Objection~I Don't Wanna Be The Exception~To Get A Bit Of Your Attention~

2010-06-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Some long time ago, I asked some of my guy friends the same question:

"Why am I single?"

I wasn't desperate.

But I got so so so sick of them asking me the same question each time they see me.

"So, found yourself a guy yet?"

And I got even sicker of giving the same answer each time.

"What do you think?"

~~~~~~~~~

Below are their individual responses. Names kept hidden for privacy reasons.

Guys will be guys.

Such typical answers.

Shouldn't have wasted my time asking them.

~~~~~~~~~

Friend #1: Because of your weird creed of not doing it before marriage.
Me: Right. And how is that bad?

Friend #1: Guys this age only ever want one thing. No one's gonna work that hard when they know they're not gonna get anything from you.

Me: How can you be so sure? What if I change my mind in the heat of the moment?

Friend #1: Then I'll lose all respect for you.

Me: Fine, I won't.

Friend #1: Good. You shouldn't.

Friend #2: I don't know. Don't ask me. Although, I think it might be something to do with your fashion sense.

Me: What's wrong with my dressing?

Friend #2: Nothing. It just seems weird somehow.

Me: Right. I'll change it then.

Friend #2: Good.

Friend #3: You're too mature for your age. It's intimidating.

Me: Sorry, I can't change the fact that I have an above average intelligence and maturity.

Friend #3: Guys want to protect their girl, they wanna be more mature, more responsible and more capable than you are. Or else, it hurts their ego.

Me: I can be cute and dumb. I've done it before.

Friend #3: Sorry, we're not that easy to fool.
Me: Then shouldn't they work harder to surpass me if it bothers them that much?
Friend #3: No one will try so hard for you.
Me: Am I not worth the effort?
Friend #3: You are, but you haven't met that guy yet.
Me: How long will I have to wait?
Friend #3: Just be patient. You can't hurry these things.

Me: Fine. Can I still be cute and dependent sometimes then?

Friend #3: ............You do what you like.

Friend #4: You're not slutty enough.

Me: I can be sexy.

Friend #4: Sorry, sexy does not equal slutty.

Me: But I want to maintain sophistication.

Friend #4: There, you've got your answer.

Friend #5: You're not desperate enough.

Me: You mean I'm not cheap enough? Hahaha...

Friend #5: Precisely.

Me: That's crazy. I'm not lowering my status just to simply bag a guy off the street.

Friend #5: That's why you're still single.

Me: This dosen't make sense.

Friend #5: Trust me, it does.

Friend #6: You're hard to get.

Me: How do you know? How do they know? No one ever really tried.

Friend #6: They don't have to. They know the answer.

Me: But I'm not, I swear!

Friend #6: But your looks say you do.

Me: Hey that's not fair!

Friend #6: Nothing's fair in love. And lust, for that matter.

Friend #7: You're too serious. No one's looking for such commitments at this age.

Me: But I don't want easy come easy go. I hate that. Why can't it be the first and only one?

Friend #7: Cos it dosen't work that way these days. You're too traditional.

Me: Is it wrong to want to enter a relationship only if you can imagine spending the rest of your life with the same person?

Friend #7: It's not. But it's weird. And it scares people.

Me: Fine. Looks like things are never going to go my way then.

Friend #7: Finally, you realize what I'm trying to tell you.

Me: Sorry. :(

~~~~~~~~~

So, there you see. Although it dosen't matter anymore now, I've never actually gotten a proper answer. All that bits and pieces don't seem to fit somehow. But I've got a sinking feeling that all the above are valid reasons. I think they're all got sick of my rants by now. I thought it would be good to get a guy's point of view. But it's made me even more confused. Although the answers somehow all lead back to me. I've got problems I think. Maybe I'm abnormal. Nah, I'm special. The one and only. Yea, that makes me feel much better. Self-comfort is the best comfort of all.

~Vanilla Salt~Not Candy~Love Tastes Bitter~

2010-06-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

Too tired to blog today...

Too many pictures to upload...

Shall do it tomorrow...

Penang was alright but this is so unfair!!

I'm thinking of Thorpe Park every waking moment of the day!!
Since March...
Till now...
3 more months...
3 more months...
I don't wanna go alone...
Though I know in the end it's inevitable...
No one ever wants to go anywhere with me...
Going to theme parks alone, you might think I'm crazy...
But I guess I'm so used to being alone, it hardly bothers me anymore...
The weird stares, the backward glances...
Like an ongoing drug...
I slowly get immune...

ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ

My favorite Corrs song since forever:

~Everyday I Love You~

2010-06-25T01:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently this is used for developing better employees in the company.

But I don't think that was the true purpose of the poem.
Somehow, isn't it rather inappropriate?
Nevermind, I still think it's great.
But somehow, everything is easier said than done.
It all takes time for people to realise anyways.
But I have.
Yay me!
:)

If I Really Cared

If I really cared…I’d look you in the eyes when you talk to me; I’d think about what you’re saying rather than what I’m going to say next; I’d hear your feelings as well as your words.

If I really cared… I’d listen without defending; I’d hear without deciding whether you’re right or wrong; I’d ask you why, not just how and when and where.

If I really cared… I’d allow you inside of me; I’d tell you my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my hurts; I’d tell you where I’ve blown it and when I’ve made it.

If I really cared… I’d laugh with you but not at you; I’d talk with you and not to you; And I’d know when it’s time to do neither.

If I really cared . . . I wouldn’t climb over your walls; I’d hang around until you let me in the gate. I wouldn’t unlock your secrets; I’d wait until you handed me the key.

If I really cared . . . I’d love you anyhow; But I’d ask for the best that you can give And gently draw it from you.

If I really cared . . . I’d put my scripts away, And leave my solutions at home. The performances would end. We’d be ourselves.

-Ruth Senter

~You're The Meaning In My Life~You're The Inspiration~

2010-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

I know I promised a post everyday. But I'm off to Penang tomorrow after work until Sunday night. Please forgive me. :)

I'll be back with pictures and stories about Penang. I'm sure you'll like it. :)

Here's a snippet from my unfinished story. I love it. I love the storyline and plot. It's so original. It's so me. But I doubt that I'll ever get it done in this lifetime. I was once very fascinated with Satanism. In fact, I've finished reading the Satanic Bible years ago. Contrary to popular belief, Satanism is not evil. Trust me. It's just realistic. Reading it dosen't make you a bad person, neither does it mean you're betraying your religion. It's good to know what other religions preach sometimes, you'll never be influenced if you're strong anyways.

Sardonic Angels of the Underworld

~Satan is not seen as caring, loving, compassionate or sympathetic of the plight of us mortals. He is seen as ruthless, like nature and unfair life. He will never step into your life and make it better, he will never do things for you.~

~They dropped their respective surnames, comparing it to a shell of individuality and bloodlines.~

~Long ago when believers of God envisioned His creation of earth, the existence of deities and demons had enshrouded the minds of mortals. Whether through the powers of their overactive imaginations or the desire to worship the good and condemn the evil, the vague images of saviors living above them existed to provide self-comfort for all the sins committed in their lifetimes~

~Lucifer: You have sinned!

Belial: I know the scriptures perfectly well, thank you...

Lucifer: And yet you have betrayed it. there'll be hell to pay when Satan hears of this!!!

Belial: Not if you keep your bloody mouth shut!!!

Enraged, Lucifer grabbed Belial by his collar and pinned him to the wall. The damp rocks and Lucifer's cold breath sent a shudder down his spine. Lucifer was so close, close enough for Belial to feel his breath running down his spine. "No," he thought, for he musn't succumb to this temptation, even if it meant losing Lucifer.~

Huhu~~ I love the last scene. I'm so tempted to continue writing, but then I fear tarnishing my perfectly innocent reputation. Nah, I was never innocent. Teeheehee. Muahaha. Shall continue the story now but it shall never be revealed to public eyes. It exists solely to satisfy my mind's overflowing creative juices.

Quote of the day: I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil ~ Marilyn Monroe

~On And On~He Just Keeps On Trying~And He Smiles When He Feels Like Crying~

2010-06-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

Bear with me. I have nothing to do at work today. Thus the extremely long post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a good look at myself in the mirror yesterday. And I realised each time I looked into the mirror, I saw a different me. Sometimes I see a young me, sometimes I see myself old and tired. Sometimes I look cute, other times I look like a bitter old woman. Sometimes I seem in control of myself, others I just feel like a mess. The truth is I can't see the real me anymore. I must have been lost in transition, on the path of life.
And as I went to sleep, I thought about alot of things. Things about myself. I was self-reflecting.

I made a visit to my older blogs and I was shocked. Can't believe I actually typed in such syntaxes. Bad grammer and short forms annoy me these days. Not because I dislike them. But because I can't understand them. Must be the generation gap sinking in. Gosh I feel so out of place just because I've grown out of teenage habits. Just looking back at those few posts...I ask myself these days, was I really like that? Was I really that childish? I'm not convinced. So I ask my old friends, I ask my parents. And they all gave me the same answer. "You never knew, did you? It's good that you realise it now...But you can't ever make up for the pain you caused to others......"

I was really, frankly, a total b***h back then (Especially when I was 13-17). I backstabbed, I lied, I hurt people mentally and physically, I took them forgranted, I played with their hearts (Although that's a really long story, shall leave it for the next post), I did what I liked and didn't give a damn as to what others thought of me. Because I knew I was popular, and that they were in a way, forced to like me and thus no one really dared to cross my path as I was rather influential. I was envied, I was admired, I was feared and I was loved by most. All these emotions that have been placed on me, the truth is that I never placed any emotions on people. I was cold. My heart was cold. People try to please me, but I never lifted a finger to please anyone. I didn't see the need to do that. I felt like a princess. Like it was a must for people to be nice to me. I never considered for a moment that they would have feelings too. I can't even remember the number of friends that I hurt and took forgranted. But honestly at that period of time, I could feel no regret, and I never thought about how they felt either. Even though I hurt them so, they never left me. They never hated me. They never blamed me. But I guess it's hard to mend a friendship where things like that have happened. Because although people can forgive, they will never forget.

I used to live by my motto:

It's all nothing but a game to me.

Two can play at the same game.

May the best man win.

The thing is that I was actually born evil. And I enjoyed being evil, even when I was too young to comprehend the meaning of it. I can never forget the times where I tried to kill my first younger brother when I was 4. I climbed up onto the bedside table and tried to jump on him, in hopes to squash him flat. But I failed because my mom entered the room and caught me while I was just about to act. Another time, I tried to suffocate him with a pillow and yet again, my mom arrived just in time to stop me. Why did I do all that, you ask? Well, I was jealous. Heavily jealous of the fact that I would no longer have the full attention and love from my mother, and that I had to share it with some stranger who popped out of nowhere one day to ruin my life. I can't bear to talk anymore about how I cruelly treated my brother in his younger days and I know that nothing can ever erase those memories from both our minds. He's all grown up now, and I thank God everyday that he no longer cares about the past, and he still loves me even if he denies it all the time. I give my everything to make up for the times I hurt him, and I will continue to do so as long as I live. And as such, I have learned to let go of this evil, and shower my youngest brother with all the love I can give, because I never want to repeat the same mistakes again.

I was extremely immature back then, because I led a very sheltered life. People around me however, were way ahead of me in terms of emotional maturity. I was way ahead of them in terms of evil thoughts and plans. Even until today, no one can get ahead of me because I'm always 10 steps ahead. Everything that I do, I think of the possible outcomes, and how I am to deal with all of it. That's why nothing in life surprises me much because I pretty much have predicted everything that happens or is about to happen. This is bad I know. But then I don't really get depressed when things don't turn out my way because like I said, I always have plans to make them suit me, so in the end I'm never dissapointed.

Maybe this is why people like to turn to me for advice. I give good advice most of the time because I don't comfort people. I don't say: "Oh, everything's going to be alright." Instead, I tell them what to do to overcome those problems. I teach them the steps to take, and the time that will be needed to solve their troubles. The only problem with this is that I don't practise what I preach. Maybe I'm stupid in that sense, and need others to advise me instead.

For example: You say that you upset your good friend and that you have no idea what to do to make things better again. I won't tell you that the friend will forgive you eventually, that it's all just a phase of life, blah blah blah. That's just nonsense. What I will tell you is: Act on it. There's no use sulking around without doing anything to fix the situation. You can moan, and sigh and get depressed, but nothings going to change if you don't take action. Give the person a week to cool down. Send apology messages. One or two will do. There's no need to bombard the friend with overly emotional messages which are sent frequently like few times a day. That's stupid because the friend will only hate you more. And it's annoying. Give the person space to think it through. After some time, say maybe 2 weeks, approach the friend and talk things out face to face. Because arguing over the internet or text messages is childish and will never solve anything. People tend to be easier to convince and persuade when you see them in person. That's because you can show them your emotions, your sincerity, your feelings. If you can't see them, call them. It furthur proves your effort in mending the friendship.

And if after all that, it still dosen't work, there's only 2 possibilities left, of which much of it depends on the friend. One, is that the friend can't find it in their heart to forgive you and is not willing to give you another chance. My advice? Dump the friend. Why? Because the friend is not even bothered to fix the friendship and clearly does not appreciate it. People like that are not worth it. I know it's easier said than done but all it takes is time to forget and move on. Sorry, my advices don't contain emotional comfort because I want people to wake up to the truth. Two, whatever you did made such a big impact that the friend is not able to forgive you in the present time. My advice? If you have the patience, just wait. It's not going to be easy, and sometimes it takes years for the friend to forgive and even after all that, there's no guarantee of you being friends again. My manager told me this: There are no guarantees in life. I can give explanations for all the advise I give, because theres no such thing as asking why and saying that you don't know in reply. There's always a reason for everything. I'm not saying that it will work for everyone, but the possibilities of it working are very high. I put myself into the person's shoes, and see what or how I would respond to the situation. That is why most of my advice works.

After all that's said and done, the harsh realities of life have made me emotionally and mentally very strong. Sure, there are times where I get upset too, after all I'm only human. But I'm strong in the sense that if I can pick things up, I can put it down as well. I get over the pain so fast, that you might even think that I wasn't even sad in the first place. But of course, deep down I really just am terribly lonely and misunderstood sometimes. Because people don't see me for who I am, they see me as who they want me to be. Having to put up a brave front when I'm actually dying inside is not easy, but I've gotten used to it. It's like a natural habit for me to not show my weaknesses in front of others. I don't want to seem vulnerable. So I toughen myself up. Too much emotions blind me, they blind my senses. As it is, I'm an emotional person, and it only adds damage to the injury if I continue to let them affect me. Just like my friend said: " You're a weak little girl, but you try to act cool and only show that weak side of yours to people you trust and love."

I think I was a really frustrated and depressed teenager back then. Abit crazy, abit wild, very immature, very spontaneous. I guess I just woke up one day and naturally changed. That was many years ago, when I was 12-17. But it felt like an eternity because I can't imagine, even now, I can't imagine myself ever being like that. I forgot what it was like. I forgot how to be a child. I forgot how to act and live in the moment. I forgot how to be naiive, selfish, inconsiderate and cruel. Although I still retain a tiny fraction of those elements in my personality, what I am now is not even 5% of what I used to be. Is this a good thing? Yes. Definitely. Trust me, you do not want to see me unleash my evil self. I've surpressed it, but it still lives within me and will be let loose if provoked.

This quiz which I took years ago is such an accurate reflection of me in my past.

What type of teenager are you?

"You're the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin' miserable. You constantly look over your shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even when you are alone. So naturally, you have become a little paranoid and pessimistic. Your personality can be one dimensional but confusing. You are constantly bored with life and wish that something could spice it up. You have a unique view on life and have identified the problems with school society (Ex...what makes popular people, how the student mind works...) You would rather be alone because you hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one understands you, not even your parents / guardians / friends. But that is just the opposite! The people who love you want to help, but they don't know how because they have a feeling that they will say something wrong and turn you away. You have to let them know that you are willing to hear what they have to say...and it might do some good to listen to them."

They say time can change a person. And I've changed alot. So much that I can't even put it into words. And everywhere I go, people tell me constantly: "I like the new you...You're so much more cheerful, friendly and intelligent...". Sometimes change is not a bad thing. I'm still changing everyday in fact. It's the changes in life that help us to grow. Help us to think about what we've done wrong in the past. Help us to change for the better. I'm not an optimistic person. I never was and I never really will be. I hate overly-optimistic people because I always think of the worst possible outcome in everything I do. I don't expect too much, in fears of being dissapointed in life. Probably I can't bear to endure such pains.

I've put my teenage years behind me. But that dosen't mean I don't miss it. Because once it's gone, it's gone. There's no turning back. So if you ask me if I could go back in time to change things, what would I do? Here's my answer: Nothing. No. I wouldn't change a thing. It's precisely those moments and experiences that have moulded me into what I am today, which brought me all my high-flying achievements. They thought me how to live, how to be a better person, how to appreciate the moments, how to care for my loved ones, how to plan for the future. No regrets. None at all.

So my past wasn't entirely bad I guess, at least I was carefree and happy most of the time, although I pretended to be emo just to gain attention, earning me the title of Goth Ice Queen. I was the 'un-chaseable' girl because I shoved off all my admirers cruelly, all the time enjoying the attention they showered me. Even until this day, people give me alot of attention. I personally feel that I deserve none of that, and forgive me but I still do not know how to appreciate their kindness sometimes. But I really am trying my best to be a nicer person, to be a better friend, to be a good daughter. It's just that I really can't see what's good about me, that makes people so nice and caring towards me. Most people constantly say they love my smile and that I'm terribly interesting, but I'm sure that's not enough to constitute towards such kindness. I don't know. I really have no idea. Can anyone tell me? I feel guilty when people are too nice to me. And no, I'm not a masochist. Well, maybe just a little. Too much Yaoi has implanted a distorted image of love in my mind.

But people have taught me how to love these days . Getting to know God has helped me to love. And I am till this very day extremely blessed and happy for the fact that I know that no one has left me no matter how bad I was in the past, and that I will and promise to give my all to not lose anyone more in the future.

Do you know how I succeeded in the past? How I achieved what I have today? It's because I'm determined and I love to prove people wrong. All my life, people have looked down on me. They say I'm stupid, I'm incapable, I'm just a bimbo. They say other people are smarter and better than me. So what fuels me is my anger and frustration. I don't believe for a single second that I can't be better than the others. I have no motivation, so I seek ways to motivate myself to do much more and show them that I'm more capable than them in every single aspect. I set a goal for myself, be it academic or non-academic. I have a target which I want to achieve. Every year of my life, I have something like that. And touch wood, so far, I have never failed my goals. (Putting aside the fact I failed one subject this year. But that wasn't part of my goal).

Probably I'm mean and ruthless, but I never stop until I get what I want in life, whatever the risk or costs. The more they doubt me, the more I show them that they're wrong. Now I can safely say that I've made everyone take their words back and they have no choice but to keep their mouths shut now. I hate people like that. They boast but are not capable of anything. Never ever say you're better than others, never look down on people, until you can prove yourself worthy and that you are indeed better than them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And when the wind blows

As shadows grow close

Don’t be afraid

There’s nothing you can’t face

And should they tell you

You’ll never pull through

Don’t hesitate

Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain

And stand up once again

And I live one more day, and

I can make it through the rain

Oh yes, you can

You’re gonna make it through the rain

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote of the day: We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets - Marilyn Monroe

~Underneath It All~You're Really Lovely~

2010-06-23T02:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. But this is the most hilarious email I have ever received in my whole entire life.

*Names censored for privacy reasons

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss Lee and Mr X,

I have receive report from RSV Office saying:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night security found keys for F7-6 lying in F7 corridor. They were later
claimed by a Mr X (ID # xxxxxxxxx) Mr X advised security Miss Lee (room
occupant) is on holiday in Spain. Security has seen Mr X actually using the
room and not just holding the key for her. Mr X is actually a resident at
Sherfield hall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Lee, I should warn that following your accommodation contract you are not
allowed to give your key to other person and let him to use your room. Such
breach of the contract might cause disciplinary fine or even termination of the
contract.

Mr X, I would advise you to return F7-6 key to the RSV office, where Miss Lee
can collect it on her return back.

Sincerely yours,

Dr Y, RSV Warden

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seems like I'm actually having fun in the sun at sunny Barcelona, Spain, with my sunglasses, summer dress and camera in hand; instead of toiling and slaving away in an overly air-conditioned office in a country no one knows called Malaysia which has a weather like Justin Bieber's songs. Excrutiatingly painful and unbearable.

So far as my 80 year old memory can recall, I don't remember ever leaving keys on the floor in my former hostel in UK. Hmm. Maybe I have some sort of teleportation power that allow me to magically appear there in my dreams. Just joking. I did hand the keys over to him so he could use the room. I paid an extra 2 months rent so not letting anyone stay there is such a waste. Besides, what difference does it make as to the tenant occupying the room? We're both humans. That's all there is to it.

Collect it on her return back. Back from where? I've permanently left the place and have no intentions of returning whatsoever. The room treated me really badly. Messed up my life, disturbed my peace and caused endless supply of troubles to me. I thought I loved you when I moved in. Cause you gave me a really nice view of the park and lake. But now I hate you room. You are so unstrategically placed, being one floor above a crazy Italian woman's room (She actually had the guts to bang on my door while I was showering and scold me for no apparent reason. That b****h. She's lucky my friends restrained me from giving her a tight slap). You are filled with hidden threats as you flood my room and corridor with your overflowing shower and hole in the floor which you sneakily hide under the carpet. The only thing I love about you is that you're spacious and soundproof, allowing me to make as much noise as I want. But that's no longer important. I've left you for a better room. Not just a room, a house. With a bigger bathroom and a great big living room and garden all to myself. What's more, my new house is cheap, much much cheaper than you, but so much more valuable. Hah! Take that, stupid ex-room!

Anyhow, I don't fancy living in Reading at all. I wanna stay in central London. London, London, London!

When will my wish come true?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Pardon my sarcasm and slightly rude language. Turns out this was the writing style I had left behind years ago. Am taking it back now. It's fun writing like this. Allows my creative juices to flow. Thus preventing me from aging prematurely. Wait a minute.....I've already aged. Tsk tsk tsk. How unsatisfying.

~From This Moment On~

2010-06-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

Listen to me dear
I'm not trying to be dominant or anything
I just want us to be mature in this
So please
Listen to me

I know you're really tired
You're frustrated with me
And partly I'm to blame
So I'm gonna give you some time to cool down
It's not easy for me, I swear it isn't
To know you're there but not be able to talk to you
But every decision in life that I make
I always think of what's best for you
You don't have to pretend that nothing's happened because...

I admit
I was wrong in some ways
I was immature
Inconsiderate
Selfish
Demanding
Possibly wanting too much
If it makes you feel better
You can even place the blame on me

When you feel comfortable talking to me again
When you no longer feel bad
Just tell me
There's nothing I want more than your honesty
Your smile, your gentleness, your love
I'm not going to force you anymore
Because nothing can be solved if we're so hostile towards each other

Stop thinking it's one sided
Just stop
I swear to God
I love you with all my heart and soul
I have and always will
For as long as I live
My love will never fade
Because love is not just a feeling
It's a choice
I promise you this
I promise never to leave
I don't break promises
I never do
And I never will
I gave my heart to you
And that's the way it's going to remain
I won't take it back
Won't give it to anyone else
It's yours and yours always

There are other important things in life
That we have to focus on right now
And when the time is right
We can start again
And make things work
As time goes by
When we're more mature
When our lives are back on track
We'll be able to handle this love better
And see it through

We fight about who's to blame
Who was right
Who was wrong
I don't wanna say anything more
Because the truth is
I don't know
I really don't wanna fight anymore
Listen dear
It's not important anymore
The truth is we were neither
Everything just happened in the wrong timing
This pointless argument
Will get us nowhere
And only makes things worse

So lets stop being angry, stop fighting
Stop crying, stop fretting, stop worrying
Stop thinking about it
We must stop these emotional games
Because it's not going to help us
It's only a stepping stone in our pursue to achieve our dreams in life

Let it go dear
No matter how bad things may seem
Just don't dwell in the past
Let's look towards the future
And forget all the unhappiness
It's time to be strong
And move on with life
It's not easy for me as well
But I will try my very best
In every aspect of my life
I want you to be proud of me
Can you promise me then
To put all the bad things behind us?

I'm not giving up
I'm not leaving
But I'm letting go
Temporarily
Until you're prepared to take me back
I respect you
I trust you
You don't have to be there 24/7
But I know you haven't left
I know you love me
And I pray you still will
Please give me the chance
To make up for the times I hurt you so
Please allow me to send you messages
Everytime I feel lonely and think of you
Please let me pray for you
Every night before I go to bed

You've said this to me before
And I'll say it to you again
I trust you
And no matter how long it takes
I'll be right here waiting for you

This blog
Contains all my feelings and everything I'm going through
Sometimes they don't reflect what I really feel
But that's going to stop now
I'll try my best to update everyday
I want you to know that I'll never leave
You once said you wanted to know more about me
From now on
I'll show you everything
There'll be no more sadness
No more selfish rants
It will be the real me
Nothing to lie
Nothing to hide
In all honesty

When I Ask You to Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me - - strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
Not talk or do -- just hear me. .

When you do something for me
that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people
because God is mute and doesn't give advice
or try to fix things. God just listens
and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me.
And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn,
and I'll listen to you.

-Ralph Roughton

~Lies~You Hide Behind Your Lies~Come Break My Heart With Honesty Instead~

2010-06-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

~So True~May Liars Burn In Hell~

~Yeah~I Need Space~Good Words~

~Come On~Get Rid Of Your Loser Friends~Stop Disagreeing~

~Don't Listen To Zhenyu~And Agree With Everything~

~原來你什麼都不想要~

2010-06-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

我最愛得人﹐這是我一直以來憋在心中的話。一直都好想對你說﹐但是怕傷害到你﹐所以沒說出口。但是我的原則是﹐感情中一定要坦白。有什麼事就一定要說出來﹐可以兩個人商量﹐解決。但你沒有給我這個機會向你解釋和說清楚。你也沒能解答我所有的疑問。我真的真的好愛你﹐好關心你。但是你竟然沒有一次對我訴說你的煩惱﹐和所有不開心的事。你到今天也都無法信任我﹐無法對我說心事。難到﹐我是那麼的不可靠嗎?

說真的﹐我所做的每一件事﹐第一個就會想到你。知道你大概很喜歡可愛型的女生﹐就把穿著和打扮都改了。剪了頭髮﹐多害怕你會不喜歡。你說女生大眼睛好美﹐就用了自己第一次辛辛苦苦賺回來的薪水買了一對漂亮的隱形眼睛。以為說﹐你看到了會開心。而且還拼命瘦身﹐還搞到自己大病一場。我其實一直想討好你﹐想說﹐你考完試﹐我們可以開開心心的繼續這段感情。

你說過永遠都會在乎我﹐你說你沒有離開我﹐沒有放棄我﹐永遠都愛我。但事實上﹐你對我的所有承諾﹐大概你都忘了吧。

但是﹐我還真的要謝謝你。

謝謝你讓我能夠愛過你。

因為從此﹐我學會了﹐愛情真的需要兩顆心。

我生氣﹐我傷心﹐是因為你不曾在我面前坦白過。我覺得﹐愛你那麼久﹐你至少要當面好好的給我一個交代。而不是隨隨便便的用一個 message 草草了事。

你心情不好﹐我明白。你煩惱很多﹐我都能明白。

但甜心﹐我的感受呢? 你是否曾去明白? 曾去理會?

其實﹐要把愛情和學業調理好﹐達成一個平衡並不難。只要我們肯一起努力﹐一起成熟﹐一起度過難關﹐我相信沒有什麼可以難倒我們。

但我現在傷心﹐生氣﹐是因為我看不出你的努力﹐而你一而再﹐再而三的不給機會我。你對我冷淡了一個月。這一個月﹐多麼難過﹐多麼難撐﹐你知道嗎?

我原本相信說﹐只要耐心的等候﹐相信你﹐你總有一天會回到我身旁。但說到最後﹐我都無法怪你。相信你還沒有心理準備去面對﹐去處理一個真正的感情吧! 原來一個人的努力﹐是不夠去保持一段感情。

你說我們曾未開始過。但你錯了。從你對我表白的那一天﹐我們其實已經開始了。雖然你心里沒有那麼想。

其實我一直以來都好想知道﹐我到底在你心中佔了什麼位置? 我等了又等﹐但你不曾給過我一個答案。

其實要怪就怪我自己﹐可能自己自作多情。當你不肯在眾人面前承認我們的關係時﹐我就應該醒悟了。但我卻沒有那麼做。因為我相信你。

你說要我等兩年。我不是不願意。但是我好害怕。兩年的時間﹐好長好長。你如果繼續這樣的不理會我﹐我怕遲早心都會碎。我怕到時你又像現在這樣﹐讓我白白地等你。得不到你的回應﹐你知道我到今天﹐還天天為你流淚嗎?

其實說到最後﹐我只想說﹐我真的好愛你。你愛不愛我﹐到底有沒有真心﹐對不起﹐我仍然不知道。請你告訴我好嗎? 如果你要我離開﹐也至少應該把答案告訴我。我等了三個月的答案﹐你是否會把它交給我?

~Dreams Last For So Long~Even After You're Gone~

2010-06-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

睡美人睡了一百年，王子会知道去救她，
白雪公主吃了毒苹果，王子也知道去救她。
那巫婆呢？
付出了这么多，这么努力，想要争取自己的人生，
为什么最后还是一场空?

~~~~~~~~~

I don't wanna be a substitute
Don't wanna be a mistress
Don't wanna be second choice
A back up plan
I'm sick of all that
No one can see me for who I am
Perhaps
I'm just not worth it
Not worthy of anyone
No matter what I do
Or is my deal with the devil
Finally coming into place
I once pawned my love
For fame and success
And now
It's too late to take it back

~~~~~~~~~

I pick a book up

Turn the sheets down
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my PJs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight

~Are We Really Happy With This Crazy Game We Play~We're Lost In This Masquerade~

2010-06-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

Because
I've temporarily run out of things to say
I'll share two of my favorite songs
Enjoy
=)

~Song from Jesus Christ Superstar~

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

~Nothing Can Take Away These Blues~Cause Nothing Compares To You~

2010-06-18T07:53:00.000-07:00

Because I'm addicted

Because I need to know the ending before I start

It's the same for every book or movie

I never read or watch it

Unless I love the ending

I love this ending

Thus I will now watch

The beginning

~Well~I'm Not Too Clever~I Just Adore You~

2010-06-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

To Understand

Understand is a universal word

Not many dare to provoke

Everyone says they understand

But not many comprehend

When I say I understand

It means I try to put myself in your hands

I look right I look left

I try to digest

What has been said and what they mean

What are actually your dreams

I may respond

I may rave and rant

I may act dumb

I may squint and stare

But I want you to know I am always there

It may take time for me to really understand

When I speak I don’t want your eyes to be damp

When I repond it’s with days of studying

Years of experience

Countless minutes of thinking

So when I say I understand

I always do

Our Journey Together

With the pain comes the joy

With the joy comes the wonder

With the wonder comes the happiness

With the happiness comes the responsibility

With the responsibility comes the expectations

With the expectations comes the stress

With the stress comes the pain

With the pain comes the sadness

With the sadness comes the death

With the death comes the memories

With the memories comes the end

My mother is a great writer. Our lives have become so much more meaningful when we wake up in the mornings occasionally to find her new poems to us which she would always send through email. That is why my email is on 24/7. I never want to miss a thing. It's the sweetest feeling ever. When you don't say a word and she knows just exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through. That's the beauty of it.

I love you mummy.

~He Can Laugh~But I Love It~Although The Laugh's On Me~

2010-06-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

Watching too much Lie To Me these days. Am turning into an expert of lie detection. If that's the case then people lie to me alot. Well, it's not like I never knew. I just couldn't be bothered. I don't believe half of what they say anyways.

1. The average person speaks 3 lines every 10 minutes

2. If person is surprised for more than 1 second, its fake

3. Slight raise of the shoulders indicate low confidence in speech

4. Using one hand to cover the face while eyes are closed indicates shame

5. Slight scorn indicates someone revealed the truth/anger

6. The question is not if the person is lying, its why

7. If a person rolls eyes to the side while speaking, hes recalling a memory

8. If a person does not avoid eye contact and speaks with eyes focused, he is lying

9. Rigid answering of questions indicate a lie (Ex. Are you a spy? Yes I am a spy)

10. /\ Shaped eyebrows indicate sadness

11. Tight hold of the chin indicates embarassment

12. Rubbing of nose indicates a person is hiding something

13. Clenching of fists and pulling of shirt sleeves indicate anger/frustration

14. Distancing language indicates lying (Ex. Jane=That woman)

15. When lying, its hard to tell a story backwards because you have no real memory of it

16. There's no eye wrinkling in a fake smile

17. Cold hands indicate fear

18. Stepping back while standing and crossing hands indicate lying

19. Clenching of the chin and frowning indicates no confidence and lying

20. Raising pitch of voice indicates lying

21. No forehead movement or movement not matching emotions indicate lying

22. Frequent correction of speech is not lying

23. During interrogation, sudden movement when a guess is voiced out indicates the correct answer

24. Shaking head while saying yes indicates lying

25. Putting two fingers on mouth indicates desire to say something but forcing themselves not to

26. Hunching over indicates lying

~Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue~

2010-06-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

22nd June

Project deadline

Must not fail

I can't breathe

Work work work

Overtime 8-8

12 hours of non-stop toiling

I drown in the workload

It's good

I have no time to think of anything else

Time passes faster that way

Exactly a week away

I'm gonna reward myself

All the hard work

I sure deserve a good rest

You'll find me

At a jazz bar somewhere

Drinking my troubles away

Drinking to my heart's content

Who cares

I never get drunk anyway
I wanna drown all my fears, stress and sorrows
And wake up to a new tomorrow
Yes
That's my plan

~~~~~~~~~

三年了

當時的我們

不能再重複的少年時期

望了吧

你的離開

我已深深地拋在腦後

現在

別說你想念我的好

因為錯過了

不能在回頭

對不起

別辜負你身邊的她

因為我不值得你

夜夜牽掛

~His Eyes Are Like Angels~But His Heart Is Cold~

2010-06-13T05:09:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate shopping, I have a mother who loves it.

What you see is not even 30% of the clothes I have.

The other 70% is in UK.

I love the clothes.

But I think this is abit too much.

I swear when I chose this, the word 'Cutie' wasn't on it...

~スウイチ~アイラブユウ~

2010-06-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

*ハーニ, わからないもいいです...

Google Translate 使用しないでよ~~!!! No no no!!! 駄目です!!! ;)

これわ-

あたしの気持!!!

ハーニのガイド-

あたしから~~ =) *

頑張て

頑張てね~！

だから、将来について考えるのが当然です。

過去の失敗をくよくよ考えるのはよしなさい!!!

ハーニは明るい未来があるよ!!!

本当わ全部大事である...

本当わ全部しんりである...

負けそうな時わ頭を空っぽに...

まがりくねった道わ口笛をふきながら...

誰だてちょっとつまずいておちこんで....

でも心配ない!!!

あたしがいつでも傍にいてあげる... =)

あたしわいつもここにいるよ!!!

ハーニのことまってるよ!!!

永遠にずっとずっと大好きだよ!!!

ハーニ、でかけよう...

笑って!!!

~It Just Isn't Right~I've Been Two Thousand Miles~Down A Dead End Road~

2010-06-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

眼前一片海洋，渔夫一把捞起来，满满的都是可爱的热带鱼，可是没有一个是你

~~~~~~~~~
Stop wasting your advice on me
I'm not worth the effort
Or your time everyday
When you should spend it with
The one most important to you right now
You care too much about me
It's not right
I'm just a friend
I don't deserve any of this
I can't give anything in return
And she'll hurt more than you realize
If ever she misunderstands

Sorry to disappoint you
But

I'm crazy

Hell yeah

Just accept it

Because the truth is I should

But I can't

Tell me I'm stupid

Just say it to my face
Though you've said it many times before

And maybe this time I'll stop

Nah

I won't

I can't

Just accept it
Because the answer is soon to be revealed
And I really want you to be wrong
I'm gonna trust my instincts this time
Because it's time for me to trust
It really is

~~~~~~~~~

I sometimes wish you would listen to my favorite songs
Because they reflect my ever changing feelings
Some may not mean a thing
But others mean everything
I'm obscure
You should know that by now
But why should you care
I'm just someone with too much time to waste
And an imagination that runs wild
Whenever you're not around
I miss you
I really do

~Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby~

2010-06-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

~Random Fragments From Singapore Trip~

Because when everything in life goes wrong, theres always something that never disappoints:

FOOD

~~~~~~~~~~

Finally found the book I was looking for in Kinokuniya:

この本わとても面白い~~

おかしいな~~

"Honey" とか "Raspberry Pie"

^-^

Tony=Alpaca=かわいいの二人

~When A Lovely Flame Dies~Smoke Gets In Your Eyes~

2010-06-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

~Words, Wide Night~

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night

and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.

The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say

it is sad? In one of the tenses I sing

an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine

the dark hills I would have to cross

to reach you. For I am in love with you and this

is what it is like or what it is like in words.

-Carol Ann Duffy

~Smoke Gets In Your Eyes~

~Never Wanna Wake Up~Because Dreams Are Better Than Reality~

2010-06-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

~Dedicated to my two good friends, LS & SJ~

We can't stop thinking

When the future seems like a maximal distance away

It's not our fault

I can't help you

You can't help me

You're too free

I'm too busy

We're all waiting for something

Which has no definite answer

We seek excuses for our situation

But we're just being optimistic

I think your situations more cheerful

You think I'm better off

At least I have something to look forward to

Yours is still infinitely doubtful

But we'll all have an answer

Its just a matter of time

Don't despair my friends

Just be patient

And soon we'll see the light
Let us close the door of memories
And look towards the future
We'll make it through together
~~~~~~~~~

~Treat Me Good~

~My Baby Just Cares For Me~

~~~~~~~~~
Total detachment kills me

I've stopped expecting

But I haven't stopped hoping

~Like The Bossa Nova~Love Should Swing~

2010-06-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

Love at first sight

I fell for your smile

You who smiled so much to me

It's all your fault

My world is sparkling now

I can't stop smiling

You made me so much happier

~~~~~~~~~

Quiz credits to: Some NEWS fan. Sorry I can't remember who you are. Tell me if you are the translator of the quiz.

Red: My answers. Though this quiz is supposed to be for guys. I'm taking it anyways. I'll just pretend the girls are guys. xD

Q1.

a. Imagine that you're walking all alone in a wide street.

You take "something" to ride.

What is this "something?"

A.Sports Car

B.4WD

C.Dump Car

D.Bike

E.Bicycle

F.Horse

b. In which way you take it?

A. I do hitch-hike and somebody give me a ride

B. I take it after paying it

C. It was abandoned on the street so I just take it

D. I beg someone to let me take it

c. What are your feelings riding it?

A. Comfortable!

B. I'm fine

C. I feel like I've been calmed down

D. (Since there is someone with me) I have fun talking with my partner.

Results:

Q1 analyzes your character.

a. What is your real character?

A. You're a challenger who loves thrills

B. You are a person who cherish his friends

C. You're a hard working, energetic person, a little clumsy.

D. You're an out-door, active person.

E. You're a very simple young person.

F. Just a narcissist.

b. What is your action pattern?

A. You decide your aim and you achieve it without doubts.

B. You move with common sense, respecting the rules.

C. You calculate all the points of the challenge.

D. To make the things go as you thought them, you move only after have planned everything.

c. What are the values you cherish the most?

The values are what you selected.

~~~~~~~~~

a. There is a perfect flawless Hero.

Who is this hero? What kind of lethal skill he has?

A.He's a soldier. He defeats his enemies with a bomb machine.

B.He's a fighter. He defeats his enemies with his fists.

C. He's a magician. He protects himself with mysterious forces.

D. He's a minstrel. He brings his enemies to suicide with psychology's damages.

b. This Hero has an unexpected and secret weak side. What is it?

A. He's afraid of insects.

B. He's weak about girls.

C. He can't wake up early in the mornings.

D. He's not good with money.

E. In reality his character is bad.

F. In reality he's not a superhero, he's a normal man.

G. In reality he's not a hero at all, he's a good-for-nothing.

Results:

Q2 analyzes your character too.

a. What is your character?

A. You have a strong sense of justice and hate to lose.

B. You have a strong vitality, you don't feel down no matter what happens.

C. Intellectual.

D. Kind and thoughtful.

b. What is your weak point?

It's what you selected.

~~~~~~~~~

Q3.

a. In front of you there are 3 boxes. Between them which one do you want?

A. The box wrapped in many colours

B. The neat, squared box

C. The box with strange shape

D. The cylindrical box

b. What do you think there is inside?

A. Food

B. CD

C. World's maps

D. Clothes and accessories

c. What will happen to this box now?

A. It becomes mine

B. I give it to someone

C. It begins to move for some reason

D. It explodes

Results:

Q3 analyzes you in love.

a. The best way for you to meet your partner?

A. You already are his/her friend, it will turn in love.

B. Introduced to you by a common friend.

C. An impact meeting. A love at first sight.

D. At first you're not interested, it needs time to turn it in love.

b. What kind of date you prefer?

A. Always, everywhere lovey-doveying

B. At the sea, a place with a good sight to be quiet

C. Without planning anything, you just have fun together

D. A gorgeous date in a fashion restaurant

c. What kind of love it is?

A. You're devoted to the partner.

B. A friendly love.

C. A chased love.

D. A dramatic love.

~~~~~~~~~

Q4.

a. You go to an amusement park. In what order would you ride those attractions?

A. Jet Coaster

B. Free Fall

C. Ghost House

D. Ferris wheel

C A D B

b. Between them which one is your favourite?

A. Jet Coaster

B. Free Fall

C. Ghost House

D. Ferris wheel

c. Why?

A. Because it's funny

B. Because it gives you shivers

C. Because it takes time and can be funny

D. Because it's not boring

E. Because it makes you thrilled

Results:

Q4 talks about love too.

a. In which order do you want a love story?

Every attraction symbolize a phase of the love story.

According to the order you chose this is the same order in which you want to experience love.

A. A thrilling love that makes your heart go dokidoki

B. A short but passionate, strong adventure

C. Crying and laughing together, a love like a Home Drama full of feelings.

D. An adult, quiet love. A marriage kind of love.

b. What is your favourite kind of girl?

A. A lively, active girl

B. An audacious sexy but cute girl

C. A careful girl like a mom

D. A proper lady

c. What do you want from love?

It's what you chose...

~'Round Midnight~

~Cry Me A River~

~Bewitched~Bothered~Bewildered~

2010-06-06T02:06:00.000-07:00

I'm a hypocrite.

I say I hate.

But the truth is I love.

People don't influence me.

I was like this all along.

No one ever knew.

No one really cared.

They wanted to see a fake me.

And so that's what they get.

I grew up for the world.

Now, I wanna return to the way I really was.
I wanna be a kid.

And I'm really just a kid.

Life is a nightmare.

~~~

This week off MSN serves as a refresher course to remind me of what reality is like.

It's not just a way of helping me regain my lost energy.

It's a manipulative test.

Although I already know the conclusion.

I lost:

My senses

My sanity

My pride

My sophistication

My everything

It's time to wake up now. Because the world doesn't just revolve around other people.

I'm equally as important.

Taking care of everyone, whos going to take care of me?

No one.

I'm tired.

Enough is enough.

I need my own time.

I need my life back.

I need myself.

The real me, I'm coming back for you now.

~~~

It's impossible, tell the sun to leave the sky, it's just impossible

It's impossible, ask a baby not to cry, it's just impossible

Can I hold you closer to me and not feel you goin' through me?

Split the second that I never think of you? Oh, how impossible

Quote of the day: Just have to remember that no one is going to change for you. You are no one. Thus you'll change. Wishful thinking rules. ~ Myself

~My Prerogative~I Say What I Want~I Do What I Want~

2010-05-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to be a boy. Since I was 4, I would get into irrational fits of anger and kick and stomp and cry, all the while asking and shouting at my mom and asking her why I wasn't born a boy. I even went so far as to commit attempted murder when I wanted to jump off the bedpost onto my little newborn baby brother because I was jealous that he wasn't a girl, like me. Even though that crazy mode of mine stopped when I was 12, now that I think back, I wasn't totally off the mark. It's so much better to be a guy cos then you wouldn't have to go through all the pains that girls do. You won't have to be laughed at behind your back, won't have people criticising you about your looks, won't have to put up with backstabbing all the time, won't have to have annoying periods, won't have to dress up and make up every single day just to please the men, and best of all you won't have to risk your life during labour.

Although I did not and can never obtain my wish, I still retain many characteristics that allow me to think like a man. Don't believe me? Well this post is the prove. Let me give all of you an insight into the guy's mind. Interesting, no? But I'll bet they're gonna form a line and start queuing up to kill me after I finish with this post. Well let me tell you this, I don't give a damn. I say what I want, I do what I want. I'm sick of conforming to society's standards and expectations. I just want to speak my mind.

Trick #1: Telling you that he's going to wait for you no matter how long it takes.
Sure, are you really going to believe that? There's no man in this world with the right mind who would wait for eternity. Well I don't deny that a few years of waiting might be possible. And that's considered a miracle as well. And why is waiting not possible you ask? Let me break it down for you. Firstly, there comes a time in everyone's life where they need some companionship. Well, not need. But desperate for it. There are two reasonings here.

In younger people, the reason that they tell you that they'll wait is actually in fact telling you that they're still keeping their options open. While providing you with this fantasy that they're some sort of Prince Charming silently waiting by your side like Sleeping Beauty or what not, they're in fact going out and getting to know other girls. Fooling around in conclusion. The waiting game is just a trick to keep you at hand just in case he dosen't find anyone more suitable than you. If he does, *kick*, out you go girl. There's no stopping him. If unfortunately hes not good enough to get one, he'll come running home to you by the end of the waiting period which he promised. Usually about half a year or so. Just goes to prove hes not as loyal as you think he is.

In older men however, after telling that he'll wait, you'll probably find him getting married to some total random person which he has never ever mentioned before in his life. And the reason? He's just too desperate to wait any longer for someone he might never get in the end. Plus you're getting old. He'll be tempted to stray.

Trick #2: Saying hes not jealous that you're going out with your guy friends.
*Rolls eyes* Yes this might be true, if he has never really loved you in the first place. Tell me, is there a guy crazy enough to push you off to other men while he sits there not feeling anything? That's only possible if he has some sort of threesome fetish. If not, he'll probably really be boiling mad inside. Most men treat their girls like some sort of personal possession. For girls, it's like seeing a random stranger walking off with your new LV bag or something.

Trick #3: Telling you hes saving himself until after marriage.
*snort* That's like probably the biggest lie ever. Ever ever ever in history. I've heard enough stories to last a lifetime. None of my guy friends can actually kiss and not tell. No matter how personal, no matter how explicit, I've heard it all. Never gonna trust anyone who says this ever again.

And why is this not possible you ask? Because initially most guys who have this sort of principles are guys who are probably restricted either by parents, culture, tradition or religion. There's only so much one can take. Especially if they meet provocative girls. No one can resist the temptation. Trust me. Just trust me.
Although, I don't exclude the possibility that there might be people who are able to resist. But not entirely. They say they're saving themselves which means they're not going to go all out. They certainly did not promise to exclude intimate acts which do not fall under 'losing oneself'. Thanks to my brother's friends, I can further confirm that my theory is justified.

Girls are naturally attracted to sweet words like bees to honey. No one can resist for long although they try to play hard to get. Trust me, if he says all that, hes probably really likely to succeed in getting the girl around a few weeks or so. Maybe 1-2 months if she plays hard to get.

But this post is not to say that you can't trust them. You can if you want to, I'm just telling you the truth behind the scenes and warning you of the possible consequences. Possible. Not definite. I'm not God after all. I could be wrong. Although I'm sure all of you know that I'm not.

To Be Continued......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Challenge of the day: Because my creativity streak has been drained dry by the vampire called 'Working Life', the first person to correctly identify me in the picture below gets to pick a topic for me to blog about in my next post and it will be specially dedicated to her/him. The catch? There's only one try for each person. No exceptions. No second chances.

Hint: I'm a girl. LOLx

~When You're Looking Like That~

2010-05-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Leaving for Singapore in 4 hours time.

No time to update.

Life's been pretty topsy-turvy these days.

Will be back.

With the greatest post ever.

Hopefully on Sunday.

Maybe Monday.

Anyhow.

Trust me.

It'll be posted soon.

~Fool No More~

2010-05-24T05:58:00.000-07:00

Why are these songs so addictive? Now they're all embedded in my mind like leeches refusing to let go. As if I'm not occupied enough. Thanks a lot.

~I Love Him~But Only On My Own~

2010-05-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Lea Salonga taught me about love.

What is love? How do you know you're truly in love? I asked this question many times and people just tell me:"You'll know". Right. That's extremely helpful. How am I to know?

Over the years our perception on love will change. And I'm still tempted to believe that for every individual, theres someone out there who is destined to be their match. It's like God created millions of pairs of shoes and scattered them all over the world. A pair here, and another pair somewhere else. You could be from the Philippines but you'll meet your match in LA. Love dosen't come when you want it to; It comes when God has planned it to happen. And undeniably over the years you'll meet shoes which might look similar but are not in fact the identical pair. There are no certainties in love, and certainly none in life. We'll just have to place our lives in His hands, and go through each day as if it were the last.

~Porque~Seguir Amandote~Es Inevitable~

2010-05-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days
When I look up to heaven
Trying to decipher you who are sometimes far
I'm impatient for that one thing
I can never have

In order to love you
I need a reason
And it’s hard to believe that there isn’t one
Besides this love

I'm in love with Freud
To better understand you
Writing soppy love poems
Throwing them in the bin
Thinking maybe you'll pick them up one day
But no
Unless you end up as a tailor
Which might be good
You'll patch up the broken pieces
Of my heart

I want an iguana
To stare into it's unblinking eyes
And imagine that its you
Looking back at me
Unswayed, unmoved by the wind

I hold you closer
Miles away
Inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
Interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain
Into memory

I seek excuses
For the distance between us
You know I hate this century
Of worthless rhythms and meaningless words

I'm going crazy
For the lies that surround me
For the truth I never want to hear
They remind me everyday
Of my future ignorance

And while I know I'll die alone
I want to cling on to this dream
Even if it means breaking the rules
I want to be stupid
Even just for once

You have not seen
The egoistical side of me
And yet I'm sure of the way
Of the fact that you're the same
And because of you
I think I've changed
I threw it all away
My pride, my conscience, my everything
I've become a fractured pile of nothing

When the day comes
You tell me your love no longer exists
You'll leave me like the Mona Lisa
Without tears and without a smile
And then I'll be able to stand tall and say
I told you so

Only you know who I am through and through
And because of this
My heart is yours
Only you fold my will in half
And because of this
I go wherever you want

If I’m saying too much
Don’t leave my side
No one else will love you
The way I do

The sky is tired already of seeing
The rain fall
And every day that passes is one more like yesterday
I don't find any way to forget you
Because
Continuing to love you
Is inevitable

~你的微笑~

2010-05-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

Too lazy.

Too tired.

End result: Video instead of post.

Will update soon I promise when I am settled down.

Too much workload in one go can kill the brain.

~For Your Eyes Only~

2010-05-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

Maybe sometimes you think I'm cold. Maybe you think I'm not being serious. Maybe you think I'm silly.

But the truth is that I'm deep down just a really insecure person. I need constant reassurance because I just don't see the good in me. I have loads of good friends, I have you. But yet I can't understand why anyone would like me. I'm just being pessimistic now. Forgive me.

Because of you, I think I've lost a piece of my conscience. Because of you, I carry a smile wherever I go. Because of you, my life feels so much more worth it.

I don't care what the others say. I don't care what they think. I don't want to care. I know what I know is real.

Even though I said I didn't want to give my heart just to be hurt in the end.

I trust you.

I love you.

I'll miss you.

Please wait for me.

~I'm Coming Home~

2010-05-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

My dearest dearest baby brother,

I miss your hugs and "I Love You"s. I regret the times I hurt you by promising to watch cartoons with you and then turn around and go out with my friends instead. My heart stopped when you called me countless times and cried and asked me when I was coming home. I was too selfish. I might still be. And I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. But one thing remains forever. I still love you.

I know how hard you try to please me. I don't think you really liked the piano much, but you gave your best and improved miraculously just because I said that I was tired and wished someone could play for me instead. You've become everything I envisioned you to be. Popular, charismatic, charming, intelligent, talented and sweet. I don't think I could ever be more proud to have a brother like you. But the truth is that I just don't know how to show you my appreciation and all I can do is to shower you with material gifts. You shrug off my hugs and kisses, but yet, I sure do miss the times where you would surprise me with a hug from behind and mutter those three sweet words. I miss the times when you would rush downstairs when you heard my car approach the driveway and shout 'Welcome home sis! I missed you!'.

But now, I might have just lost all these. I was never too good with conveying my thoughts and I might still be so. I don't deny hurting you. That's my nature. But I'm coming home baby bro, and I hope to see the same old you when I step foot in the only place I might ever call home.

Quote of the day: A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it ~ Jean de La Fontaine

~我真的要用麻坡的华语~来告诉你我西北Suka你~

2010-05-01T01:59:00.000-07:00

Have been blogging too much these days.
Just look.
January-4. February-2. March-4. April-17!!!!

My friends think it's insanely hilarious.

Therefore will leave the blogging world for a week or so.

Blame the exams.

I'll be back. :)

P.S. J-It's really because of the exams. Don't think too much. Haha

《牵。幸福之手》

2010-04-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

我知道明天是你的生日。但請不要問我怎麼會知道。在這裡﹐ 很想把我第一首编曲的歌送給你。我知道其實有些難聽﹐ 而且還蠻多錯誤﹐ 因為是我第一次彈的。還是用手機錄的。以後有時間一定會重新錄過更好聽的版本。希望你不會見怪。雖然我知道你不想再在乎我了﹐ 但我永遠都會很在乎你。這是事實。就在此很想讓你知道。

~生日快樂~

词曲﹕ 駿仔编曲：韵蕊

静静的我独自坐在沙滩上

凝望着那无边无际的一片海

微风中轻轻的夹着幸福味道

怀念起昔日你的笑声

远方传来教堂幸福的钟声

爱神牵引情人走向了缘分路

为何我却总是得不到那眷顾

这回我真的不懂了

我说着我的故事

你听着他的故事

就算我说几次

都在那风中里消逝

不管我多么爱你

你却无法好好的吻我

难道守候你是如此的寂寞

不管你牵谁的手

我唯有希望你会因他

拥抱全世界最美的星空

我真的很想放开双手

让你追逐你想要的所有

可是我却又不舍得让你走

我深怕着以后

~未完待续~

2010-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

我把时间地点整理好几遍
现在就差一个人奇迹出现

就算感情对白排练再多遍
谁都无法断定心动的瞬间

故事怎么开演
面对面过程却又迫切
我们的默契就从第一眼
开始蔓延
一个笑就是万语千言
我们的感觉比谁都强烈
为谁改变
一句话就能改变一切
一首歌怎么唱进心里面
确定冒险
不该再老是自我催眠
脱口而出的爱错过了这天
要到哪天

我不需要太多复杂的剧情
只想确定你会在我故事里
我不想照太多虚伪的表情
你要什么其实我都有在听

故事怎么开演
不确定就会非常用力
再不确定就会小心翼翼
越靠越近
两颗心应该停在哪里
才算是一个完美的距离
给我勇气
往前进天空总会放晴
我开始不顾一切走下去
我们可以
在一起或许写个结局
未完待续的剧本让人心急

~如果需要动用奇迹来召唤回你~就让泪蒸发下成雪花~

2010-04-28T06:07:00.000-07:00

不知道為什么最近自己好像變得好脆弱﹐ 好失敗。我好像什麼都不在乎﹐ 什麼都不管那麼多了。但卻比以前的那個我完全相反。以前的我和現在的我可說是180度轉變了。很想知道原因。很想突出這無畏的曲折。以前的我﹐ 一滴眼淚都不會流。心裡面像鑽石那般堅強。但現在的我﹐ 在區區三天內可流淚四次那麼多。今天考試後一打電話給媽媽就淚如洶湧。我覺得自己好像很對不起她。可能是不夠用功吧﹗ 但其實我知道是因為我人生中從未嘗過失敗的感覺。但沒關係﹐ 失敗了還是要爬起來﹐ 繼續往前走。

好了﹐ 傷心的事就不要再提了。首先又要介紹我朋友世駿昨天寫的新歌。說真的﹐ 我看到了好開心好開心。因為從來我都很想寫首屬于自己的歌﹐ 但一直寫都寫不好。現在竟然給世駿成功的完成。我唯一可以報答的就是儘快完成编曲工作﹐ 把完美的歌曲送給讀者們。希望你們會喜歡。

http://corneliuswonderland.blogspot.com/2010/04/blog-post_27.html

這首歌順利記述了我這幾天的心情。覺得歌詞真的好美好美。怎麼可能會不喜歡呢﹖
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

他們說﹐ 要真正了解一首歌﹐ 一定要親身體驗過相似歌裡的那個故事。就說我吧﹐ 我從未體驗過愛情的快樂時分﹐ 理所當然地我也真的不了解快樂的情歌。我向往對歌的要求非常的高。旋律不只要迷人﹐ 歌詞也同時一定要符合我當時的心情。所以這首新歌﹐ 就是要讓悲傷的我們﹐ 都得到那少許的幸福﹐ 快樂。

最近真的覺得好幸福﹐ 好幸福。身邊的朋友們都那麼體貼﹐ 那麼關懷。有時覺得我真是世上最幸福的人。但有時卻會覺得好無助﹐ 因為無法報答他們的好意。我想我現在開始會一步一步地學著把自己變成一個更好的朋友。

~Hmmph~Now You Know~

2010-04-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

I'm desperately in need of a laugh. Of which I just had one earlier when I realised something I had done all these while was surprisingly and sadistically funny. Hmm. Nevermind that. Anyways, my stupid brother posted a really good article in his blog. Of which I have no idea where or what the original source is. But I'm sure he didn't write it. His English could not have been at such a proficient level, sad to say.

NICKNAMES:
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Now you know.......

Credits: AbYsSkNiGhTs

~不想做個戴面具的小丑~

2010-04-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

我想太多了. 就如世駿所說的﹕ "烦恼到痴线..... 都揾唔到答案嘎....."

幸好有那麼多的好朋友們陪我度過這些漫長的日子。說到好朋友﹐ 當然少不了近來日夜陪我寒暄的世駿。幸好朋友們沒有嫌我煩﹐ 沒有嫌我一直改變主意。而且還不斷的勸告我﹐ 鼓勵我﹐ 引導我。真的在這裡﹐ 很想說聲謝謝你。除了這一句﹐ 我想也沒有更好的句子來表達我的感激。身邊有你們真好。

以下這幾首歌都是我好朋友世駿親手作詞的。現在我竟然有這個榮譽把它們成编成完整的曲子﹐ 我好高興。因為一直都很欣賞他寫作的能力。希望以後這些歌真的可以擺在專輯裡﹐ 享受大眾的承認﹐ 愛戴﹐ 支持﹐ 和欣賞。當我把曲子們順利地编完﹐ 一定會把它們擺上我的 Blog。請讀者們耐心等待。

四首不同的歌的 Preview:

词曲﹕ 駿仔编曲：韵蕊

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

日日夜夜上线

发现自己已爱上你的网

漫长黑夜的等待

盼望有你消息

折一个纸鹤也折个星星

希望你一切安好

心里总是

默默地想念着你

流星划过天际

双手紧合为远方的你祈祷

幸福快乐

围绕在你身边

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

秋风静悄悄地来临

摇摆着那寂寞无言的秋千

美丽的秋天

唯有我独自想你

我知道

你已离开

回忆从不会再来

枫叶树下的约定

早已离我远远的

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

星星没了月亮
就好像我没你在身旁
一个人独自的走着走着
走在爱情的路上

幸福在尽头
要你一路牵着我的手
一起一步一步的往前走
寻找幸福的所有
但是为何你却在中途中放了手
让你我迷失在那爱情中

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

静静的我独自坐在沙滩上

凝望着那无边无际的一片海

微风中轻轻的夹着幸福味道

怀念起昔日你的微笑

远方传来教堂幸福的钟声

爱神牵引情人走向了缘分路

为何我却总是得不到那眷顾

这回我真的不懂了

最後﹐ 如果想 follow 我朋友的 Blog, 請按右手邊 Cornelius 的 Link. :)

~Yes I Love You~你聽見了嗎~

2010-04-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

最近發現到身邊的朋友都在談戀愛。當然﹐ 身為朋友的我﹐ 一定為他們開心﹐ 祝福他們。

有時﹐ 我不是想詛咒別人﹐ 只是我覺得﹐ 不容易得來的愛才是最長久的愛。嘗盡痛苦的人才會去珍惜一份感情﹐ 因為他們知道需要付出那麼多才可換來這份愛。好多時候﹐ 我好想知道為什么別人的戀愛過程那麼簡單﹐ 那麼開朗。甚至那麼容易就得到手﹐ 而我卻一而再﹐ 再而三的被傷害。難道上天註定要我今生孤獨的活下去嗎﹖

我一生中愛過的人不多不少。。我想我都數不清了。我想到了這個階段﹐ 當你一生從未嘗過快樂﹐ 你已經麻木了。我想我真的心淡了。再也沒有什麼可以讓我傷心了。失去的都不能在重來。我們又何苦繼續悲傷下去呢﹖

每個人都說我好有趣﹐ 好完美﹐ 往往都被我吸引。但是不是完美的人就沒有權力去愛和被愛﹖

我從未覺得自己是個完美的人。我只是個普通的女孩。擁抱著普通的夢想。但沒人能這麼看待我。我以是一個不屬于眾人的靈魂。游蕩著﹐ 漂流著。

我想如果有一天﹐ 自己有福份去踏入一場感情﹐ 我一定會一心一意的守護著他﹐ 不容許他受傷害。可是說的話當然容易﹐ 現實上能不能執行又是另一回事。

所以今天我決定﹐ 決定把愛情送走﹐ 因為我知道﹐ 如果他真屬于我﹐ 總有一天﹐ 他會走回我身邊。我朋友說得對。怎麼可能連開心的日子都未曾體驗﹐ 就受盡痛苦和委屈。

~Aku Tak Bodoh Seperti Kekasihmu Yang Lain~

2010-04-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Besar kesilapanku besar lagi kesilapanmu
Hampa yang kau rasakan hampa lagi perasaanku
Kau cuba menyatakan aku
Menbuat kesilapan
Yang tak mungkin kau maafkan lagi
Ku tak mungkin kau perlu di sisi

Besar kesalahanku besar lagi keegoanmu
Berkali ku beri alasan berkali-kali kau menolaknya
Kau ingin ku menyatakan
Diri ini bagai lilin
Dan terbakar oleh perbuatanmu

Suasana sepi kini menambahkan bening
Di dalam hatiku
Mengadil silapmu biar di jiwamu aku telah tiada
Di waktu begini diusik kenangan silam
Yang bertandang
Lalu ku biarkan
Ia menabahkan hati ini

Kekasihku cukup engkau buat ku begini
Luka ini usah engkau berdarahkan kembali
Aku masih cinta padamu
Aku masih setia padamu
Kembalilah engkau padaku seperti dahulu

Di dalam rindu ku menangis
Di dalam kalbu ku terasa
Teringatmu di kala derita
Yang memisahkan kita

Di dalam sedu ku berseru
Yang terukir di dalam hatiku
Kekasih bukalah pintu
Untuk sekali ini
Aku cinta kepadamu

~Siti Nurhaliza

~Can I Make You Love Me~No I Can't~Nobody Can~

2010-04-25T02:40:00.000-07:00

To be totally carefree, there are 3 important skills you have to master here: eating, sleeping and...I forgot what the 3rd one is as I've never actually tried it. Something to do with dreaming. No. Thats sleep again. Or it could be to do with breakfast. No. I think that comes under eating. Is it netball? No, I've never heard of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't understand why people say I smell nice. Please, I do not. The perfume smells nice. Not me. And I certainly don't understand people who say that you shouldn't spray on too much perfume. I say why not? I love it's intoxicating smell. Isn't that what the purpose of perfume is for? Well I'd rather stand next to a person who sprayed on too much perfume than stand next to one with body odour. How unpleasant. It's important to take care of your looks so as not to scare people away, right?

Expensive perfumes won't make people uncomfortable. Cheap ones do. So heed my advice and go for a bottle worth more than 20 pounds and you can pile it on as much as you like.

My top three favorites:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't recall ever constructing a lists of my recent wants. Maybe it's time to do that. But then again, I don't really want anything in life. I could live without so many things and still be numb and uncaring. However, I shall list out things I want on impulse. Maybe if you're feeling generous enough, you could buy some of the things listed below to brighten up my dark lifeless soul. Although I must say that some things in life can't be purchased.

#1: Flight tickets to Japan

#2: Heavy Rain PS3 Game

#3: Final Fantasy 10 Lulu Cosplay Outfit

#4: Summer Heels (I have no shoes for Summer, can you believe that?)

#5: Alienware

#6: Sylvanian Family Toys

#7: Tickets to the 2011 Smooth Jazz Cruise

#8: Laughter and happiness

#9: My little brother. I miss him so much. (2 more weeks and I'll be back to see him. Can't wait)

#10: My other stupid brother. Who probably doesn't deserve my love.

~Thanks For Nothing~

2010-04-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it. I was stupid. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. You can laugh all you want. Tell your friends for all I care. I'm fine now. Ignore everything I said. Forget everything I told you. Was just being told off by a friend. Thank you. I really appreciate that sentence. You're nothing but a f****** ###. Woke me up to reality. Lucky to have so many friends around to keep me sane and grounded. Although they all think the worst of me now. They say I'm stupid, and I admit I was. And still am. I'm sorry for even embarking on this foolish enterprise.

Sorry for myself in fact. Poor me, wasting all that time and effort and tears. But I must congratulate you for your outstanding achievement. I never cry. But you're the first I gave my tears to. You don't deserve it. If you did, you wouldn't have made me cry. And you certainly don't deserve me if you're incapable of even determining what it is you want in life. How could you leave me in a state of despair, how could you mess with my mind? I'm sick and tired of your foolish games. I have not the energy to continue on like this. I hate you now. I really do. Never thought I would. I rather be cruel than hurt myself unnecessarily. If only you knew how much time I wasted on you. If I don't do well in my upcoming exams, I'm definitely blaming it on you. And no, you can't turn around and say that I'm incapable of controlling my feelings. Because I did. The fact remains that you wasted my time. You and your stupid ego.

End of story. End of this. End of everything. Thank you God as well, because you showed me the way. It might take time to heal the wounds. But I'll be fine. It's time to move on.

大丈夫です. この記憶わ絶対に忘れられない. 괜찮아. 보지 않으면 잊혀진다.

Quote of the day: I finally understand...I'm alone. I won't believe in anyone, or love anyone. I'm alone... ~ Naruto

~我的眼眶淚太滿~走不回你身邊~

2010-04-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. I don't know what to say any longer.

~No Me Ames~

~麻坡的情歌(改詞)~

~We Both Are Like A Mirror~And You Would Be My Reflection~

2010-04-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

我帶著一顆疲憊的心走了　我知道自己在你心裡已不重要
雖然我們曾經相聚過　也許對於你來說
已經沒有什麼值得回憶

我帶著一顆沉重的心走了　我知道自己沒有勇氣道別離
雖然我們曾經擁有過　但是對於你來說
已經沒有什麼值得回憶

難道早已註定　不能真正擁有你
難道我真心付出一切　是為了承受孤單和寂寞
我知道你不敢對我坦白　是不要看到我的傷懷
雖然你沒有說要離開我　我已經感到你不再屬於我

如果你還愛我　你不會對我如此的冷漠
又怎會讓我在漫漫長夜獨自徘徊
如果你還愛我　你不會對我如此的冷漠
我只能含著眼淚
默默的離開

~~~~~~~~~~

翻开随身携带的记事本
写着许多事都是关于你
你讨厌被冷落
习惯被守候
寂寞才找我
我看见自己写下的心情
把自己放在卑微的后头
等你等太久
想你泪会流
而幸福快乐是什么
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好
像上瘾的毒药
它反复骗着我
爱的痛了
痛的哭了
哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手
闭上眼让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
重新来过
~~~~~~~~~~

Cherry blossoms...

You were like the cherry blossoms
Our love was like the spring
I felt like it would last forever

Like how they scatter when the wind blows
Like how they flutter down as they scatter
The wind takes you away
Wait, wait my cherry blossom

An unexpected meeting
It never happened, it was just a bunch of meaningless words
But I can't forget any of it
I won't forget it for the rest of my life
"They're beautiful because they scatter and die" you said
But what have I, knowing that, been able to do?

I'm still unable to accept
Your wordless goodbye
Though I can't see you in front of me anymore
Even the bits of yourself you left behind have broken into pieces

"They're beautiful because they're so fragile" you said
But now all of this have turned into ash
I don't want to listen to this anymore

You were like the cherry blossoms
It was a love like spring
I thought it would go on forever

Falling with the blowing wind
Falling slowly down
The wind takes you away
Won't you wait, my cherry blossom?

Quote of the day: 累了，开始学习想通，然后学会放手 ~ by Cornelius Tan, my wonderful friend :)

~Can't Lose What You Never Had~

2010-04-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

~Stupidest Letter Ever~

When I got this in my post, I just couldn't help but comment on all the "mistakes" in this letter. I even highlighted the 'funny' parts. I know it's an automatically generated message sent to everyone in the country but I can't sit idly by without commenting. I'm such a critic.

Mistake #1:

What? So now they're encouraging kids to do it too? Tsk! And what is this mentality that you would have 'done' it before just cause you're between the ages of 15-24? That's just so wrong! I feel very insulted loh. Cause let me tell you this, there are kids the age of 13 who have had more experience than you and people the age of 30 who have had no experience whatsoever. Therefore how can they associate this disease with only people in such a limited age group? Might as well start from the age of 10-100 because I've read in a paper somewhere that 80 year olds can get pregnant.

Mistake #2:
Ooohhh, so scary! I will get arthritis if I have chlamydia! Please lah, arthritis very scary meh? Every Ah Poh and Ah Pek also have lah! In fact I have severe muscle strain too, believe it or not. It's even worse than arthritis and I feel the pain 24/7 and it's gonna last for the rest of my life. If you wanna know more, read my previous post: http://nikitaleeyunrui.blogspot.com/2008/08/ever-seductive-professor-severus-snape.html
Therefore how is arthritis scary? Well maybe the infertility part is 'scary' for guys lah. However, it's definitely not a turn off for people who are thinking of 'doing' it or people like me who are already suffering from serious medical conditions.

Mistake #3:
Comfort of your own home. Haha, very deterring. They make it seem like its totally normal to have chlamydia and that kids can hide behind their parents back and secretly use a self-examination kit. As there are no serious effects as mentioned above, this is in fact a totally stupid thing to say to kids. Lying is not good. Especially to your parents. If you wanna 'do' it with your partner, tell your parents first. You don't want them barging into your room in the middle of it. Haha!

Mistake #4:
Just because it's free, did they think that people would go for the test? Siao meh! Eh, you give me free also I don't want lah. But maybe I'll just go take the test kit for fun and see what sort of results I'm gonna get. It would be totally hilarious if the results was positive. Haha Then I would have another post to blog about the inaccuracies of this stupid test. Just for fun. Since it's free mah, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things I do when I'm bored #1:

~Make Funny Shaped Toast~

From top left to bottom right: Boat, Dog, Train, Car

From top left to bottom right: Train, Dog, Boat, Car

Things I do when I'm bored #2:

~Paint My Nails~

Spring is here. Gotta be more cheerful.

Things I do when I'm bored #3:

~Online Shopping~

Things I do when I'm bored #4:

~Make Kiddy Bentos~

Spot the: Stars, Hearts, Teddy Bears, Mickey Mouses

OK, I know what you're trying to say. I'm not supposed to be bored. In fact, I shouldn't even have the time to do so when I should be studying instead. Let me tell you this, I know what I'm doing. Just don't worry about me. I'm a responsible adult. Hahahaha At least, I sure think so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's true. That you can't lose what you never possessed in the first place. How could you tell anyone that you've lost the love of your life, or even the new PS3 you saw in the shop window when you never actually had her/him/it? Dosen't make sense whatsoever. When you join a race or competition and did not make it as the first, you did not lose the race because you never won in the first place. To me, that dosen't count as a victory even if you came in second place. Because theres someone better than you. Sad to say, you're just not good enough if you did not win. I'm pessimistic. Sorry.

This is by far my second favorite Westlife song after Fool Again.

Baby you're so beautiful
And when I'm near you I can't breathe
A girl like you gets what she wants
When she wants it
You're so out of my league
I show you no emotion
Don't let you see what you're doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together
But I've been livin' in reality

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
But time is running out
So damn my foolish pride!

I don't care if you think I'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losin' you
You can't lose what you never had

Now I'm gonna confess that I love you
I've been keepin' it inside feelin' I could die
Now if you turn away baby that's O.K.
At least we'll have a moment
Before you say goodbye

Rules are made for breakin'
Nothing ventured nothing gained
I'll be no worse off than I am right now
And I might never get that chance again

Fear of rejection, kept my love inside
Told my heart I didn't want you but I lied

Here on the outside lookin' in
Don't wanna stay dreamin'
bout what could have been
I need to hear you speak my name
Even if you shoot me down in flames

~ Westlife

~The Naive Girl's Guide To Growing Up In Love Part 2~

2010-04-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

For Part 1, see here: http://scatteredpicturesofmylife.blogspot.com/2010/01/naive-girls-guide-to-growing-up-in-love.html

You know what they say. Lonely men seek companionship, lonely women sit home and wait. They never meet. Hello, did you think you could get by with just sitting idly at home and that one day the man in your dreams is going to come knocking unexpectedly on your door? Hah! Dream on! Men are just as shy and just as insecure as women. Sure, they might be plenty of courageous and flirtatious men who are willing to approach you even if you remain glued to a spot. But the chances of that are terribly minimal. Who did you think you were? Jennifer Lopez? Come on, even you wouldn't dare to approach a stranger no matter how much he looks like Johnny Depp or whosoever you fancy. If you show no interest, chances are you seem uninterested. Secret crushes are so uncool. Not to mention outdated. But hey, who am I to judge? I'm probably just as uncool as all you people out there.

Some things are best left unsaid. Bugging him to reveal his secrets about his past might just prove to be horrendous. He'll give in eventually if you're desperate enough but the truth is that you're not going to like the truth very much. When all hell breaks lose, the only thing thats left to do is face reality. You can run, but you can't hide. You were the nosy one in the first place. And please, don't ever try to use that information against him or repeat it constantly in front of him or question him any furthur. You're just walking down the path of no return. It's unnecessary and irritating.

Clingy girls are probably the worst sort of creatures that could ever roam this earth. I absolutely detest them. They need help with almost every single thing you could ever think of, be it homework, housework, transport, shopping. They are unable to fend for themselves in any given situation and are forced to depend on others for help. Not only are their ignorance freakingly irritating, they never seem to care and never seek to improve themselves. Brainlessness is NOT cute. Sure, acting ditzy at first might attract his attention. But that attention is nothing short of mockery and humour. First word that runs through their mind about you: Bimbo. Trust me, you're nothing but useless garbage. If I were a man, I'd rather be a little helpless and have a totally capable girlfriend. But knowing men, they cherish their face and pride more than anything. They probably think that helping the girlfriend with every sh*tty little chore shows off their 'manliness'. PFFT!!!

Oh no, the person you've fallen for has a girlfriend! Stop thinking if you have a chance of if he will ever leave her for you. Yeah right. That's just stupid and childish thinking. She may be a total *insert rude word here starting with the letter B* but he chose her anyway. He chose to stand by her and to tolerate all her nonsense and imperfections. You think he deserves much better. I think YOU deserve much better. Obviously this guy you're looking at is bloody clueless and ignorant to your presence. It's his loss if he chooses to stick with that less-than-perfect girlfriend of his. Not yours. You'll never replace her position in his heart. And even if you succeed, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being labelled as a boyfriend stealer or skank? I didn't think you would.

The biggest mistake most girls make is trying to convince a guy to like her. You can never ever ever change the way a guy feels about you when it comes to the rules of attraction. If he dosen't have any feelings for you, how could you win him over by reasoning alone? It's just not possible. Think about it, you might be popular enough to have many guys swoon over you. But the truth is that you do not have feelings for most of them and probably just enjoy toying around as you're being showered with gifts and compliments. That's why I stress that first impressions count. You might look terrible at first and later evolve into a beauty queen. However, his impression of you will be stuck at that initial encounter. You still look horrible to him, sorry to say. You might win his body, but never his heart. What's the point of that?

Never be complacent. Never ever do that. Did you think that just because you have a boyfriend now, you could stop taking care of your appearance? That you could just sit at home and pamper your pimples and grow fat? Puh-lease! Men are always tempted to stray. You need something to keep him grounded. Be it looks or figure, all men feel proud if they're able to show off a beautiful, or at least presentable girlfriend. If you think you're ugly, learn to put on make-up. But not the thick Geisha typed ones please. You don't want to end up looking like a trannie or pros from Geylang. If you think your figure is less than perfect, you could exercise or even resort to starving if you're too lazy to exercise. Just whatever you do, make sure your physical appearance does not deteriorate over time. Men can say all they want, they say they don't care and that your heart is what matters. That's a lie. A big fat lie. The same goes for girls. Do you want to come home to a Tom Cruise or a Jack Black? Go figure.

To be continued......

Interview With Author:

Question #2

Although you seem to be so experienced, do you think people are actually going to take your advice and practise it?

Let me tell you this. I have no experience whatsoever. I just happen to be naturally smart and talented, not to mention observant. I don't care what you think. I know I'm right. If you believe me, I'll know you're smart. Ignore my advice, and you'll be sure to regret for the rest of your miserable life.

Disclaimer: No liability shall be imposed upon the author for misrepresentation or failure of the reader to successfully execute the above advices. The above information has been compiled by way of needless surveys and countless hours of stalking and is entirely subjective as we can't deny the existence of weird abnormal people out there.

~Hey Can You Tell Me~What Am I To You~

2010-04-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

I walk alone
Down the crowded street
Hoping at the end someone I meet

Alone by myself in the city at midnight

The drunken souls lie in wait

The haggard faces stare

What am I doing here
What am I asking for

If we keep meeting new souls

And keep saying goodbye

Tell me

Can we ever be happy

I loved you and we had the same dreams
I thought it was destiny
You seem so innocent
But you hurt me so easily
And I know if ever I run away
You won't come chasing after me

Nothing lasts forever
No
Not even you

Not even you

My life was full of misguided expectations

Ending so far from my ideals

The path I take leads to the unknown

Can't walk it alone

I've become an adult at last

But I'm afraid and want to cry

I understand it all

Maybe that's why it feels so empty

My life is full of sadness

What should I want

What should I hope for

I'm right here

I cry alone

Why does sadness exist

Why must we seek happiness

Why do we get so anxious

Why are we alive

We'll never see the person we want to see again

We'll never be as one

We'll never know how we feel

I know we'll never

But we can't make it through life alone

So hear my plea

Don't leave me by myself

Need me for any reason

Love me

Because I know tomorrow will come again

When the tears have dried

Every day, every night
It was all a lie
I'll hold the piece of the dream
That you gave me
And never let it go
Even though
I threw it all away without hesitation
That mirror image
Of the lost dream

Quote of the Day: 爱是错觉幻觉, 爱可能是个甜蜜的魔鬼 ~ 一秒的天堂, 梁静茹

~Please Bear With Me~I'm Slightly Depressed And Delusional~

2010-04-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

Falling headfirst towards another heartbreak

It's all my fault with these complications I make

One look into those pools of blue

And I can't help but want to scream

I'm loving something out of reach

There's so much left to teach

Although you've taught me more than I thought you could

Made me willing to give up more than I should

Yet you never gave up hope on me ever

Wish this year would last forever

The day of our farewell is crawling near

Although I know you will be here next year

The chains that bind us will crumble and fade

We can say goodbye to all the love that was made

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please write a song for me

I promise I won't take a dime, when it comes my time to leave

The others wanted your whole heart

But I just want your sleeve

Quote of the day: There is no strange love, only strange people - Myself

~It's Too Much Pain To Love A Man You Have To Share~

2010-04-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Whats wrong with me these days? The fact is, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I just wish there was someone close to give me a hug and tell me everything's gonna be alright. Is that too much to ask for?

I'm the eldest and as such, everyones hopes and dreams rest on me constantly. It's a burden I have to bear and will bear forever. I have expectations to fulfill. Mostly peoples expectations on me and my expectations which resulted from these pressures. I fail and people mock me. I succeed and people despise me. Tell me what have I done wrong to deserve this?

I'm tired of being the responsible one, tired of being too mature, tired of thinking 10 steps ahead of my peers before making any decision in life, tired of not being able to express myself and enjoy my life as a teenager, tired of being the smart one, tired of having to take care of everything. I'm just tired of all these. And this is probably the reason I want older men. It's definitely not because of money. I'm not a bimbo. I'll probably earn much more than them in the future.

I want someone who I can depend on, can express my feelings and problems to, someone who can share my burden, someone who takes care of me and let me enjoy being free for once. I want to be able to not think of anything for once, and just do whatever I feel like doing. I want to be happy, be carefree, be loved and cared for. I want to be stupid, and have someone teach me. I want to be helpless, just to be cared for like a child. I want to have fun, but my maturity stops me. The consequences of careless actions scare me. I want to be wild and carefree, but my senses tell me it's wrong.

I'm so tired of being sensible. I want to be a child for once. Please, just love me.

They say God has a plan for everyone. He has told me his plans for me. I will never be able to attain what I so desire in this life. I am trying to have no regrets. You win some, you lose some. But I really need the strength and courage to continue on. I might seem strong, but I am weaker than you'll ever know. I just can't show it. I can't. No one should ever feel what I feel. God has given me all that a person could possibly ask for. I am eternally grateful for that. But what I truly want is not material goods or worldly achievements. You know what I want. But why do you deny me? You give me hope and yet take it back the moment I start to feel happy. Is this how its destined to be? It's nothing to be proud of. I'm too mature to commit myself to such relationships. I know they'll end in disaster. I just know it. So pray, why did you give me such maturity and such situations in my life? Is this a test of endurance? If so, I have endured so much and come so far. Can I ever have what I truly want? I leave my life in your hands. I trust you. I believe in you. Because you want nothing but the best for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish you were for real. But I saw through your deceit.

Quote of the Day: How can a man marry wisely in his twenties? The girl he's going to wind up wanting hasn't even been born. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

~I Give Up~

2010-04-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit that I orginally wanted to make this a real serious, poetic, intellectual kinda blog to showcase my absolutely fantabulistic usage of the Queen's English. But I find that I seriously can't keep up with it anymore. It's driving me crazy. And you know why?

That's because my life is just too crazy. Too crazy to fit into social normalities. Things that happen to me can't really be expressed in anything more superior-sounding than plain, crazy language.

My initially fine facade this morning was ruined by something just plain outrageous (although I think somewhere deep down in my heart I secretly love it). I honestly wouldn't want to ruin or expose anyone's secret tendencies and I constantly wonder: why me? Of all people.....They say interest attracts attention. But I've stopped. Honestly. Wait, no I haven't. I've just been thinking of this while I was doing my assignment. Gosh, I'll soon go crazy. And when I read articles about it, I feel just like the victim. So darn stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I maintain my stand till this day that I will never ever fully place my trust on any individual. I'm not being cold, unkind or cruel. It's just that I've seen too much of the ruthlessness of the human heart to ever trust anyone again. I read facial expressions really well. You can't fool me at all. I know if you're happy, sad, uncomfortable, disgusted or even lying. It's a common trait that every single human being possesses. There's no hiding your emotions no matter how much you try to. Your aura gives you away.

I'm not stupid. I'm far from that. In fact, I'm way ahead of many people. They think I'm clueless but they're oh so wrong. I am therefore extremely considerate of others. My moves and speech revolve around the different moods of different people. I'm forever in the shadows of others, a step behind in my actions so as to prevent calamities or embarrassing situations. I know if a person likes me or not and thus I could never be thick-skinned enough to force friendship on anybody. If it's not mutual, we could never be true friends. I am therefore constantly annoyed and disgusted with people who can't read my emotions. I call that being dim-witted, and far from observant. Every human needs to be more aware of their surroundings and yet, so few are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day out of the blue, my mom said "If you wanna look beautiful, go online and learn how those Japanese girls put on their make-up!" Now where would you find a mom like that? I mean, most parents would ask you to stop fantasizing or thinking about all these unrelated stuffs and want you to concentrate on your studies etc. And yes, I don't deny that's what my parents' top priorities for me are, but still, how cool can they be huh? If I zoom back 5 years ago, I still remember vividly the day I tried to put on make-up. I was nearly chased out from the house for trying to look like a slut. Yes, that was the word she used. And now, a total 180 degree change. She even buys tons of make-up for me. I guess everything changed the day she figured that I was the top student in school and not some dumb bimbo.

Quote of the day: I have seen people change towards me when I fall, but now I am desperate to find out how will they react when I Rise - Daideepya Bhosale

~To The Unknown Lover~

2010-03-23T04:04:00.000-07:00

Horrifying, the very thought of you,
whoever you are,
future knife to my scar,
stay where you are.

Be handsome, beautiful, drop-dead
gorgeous, keep away.
Read my lips.
No way. OK?

This old heart of mine's
an empty purse.
These ears are closed.
Don't phone, want dinner,

make things worse.
Your little quirks?
Your wee endearing ways?
What makes you you, all that?

Stuff it, mount it, hang it
on the wall, sell tickets,
I won't come. Get back. Get lost.
Get real. Get a life. Keep schtum.

And just, you must, remember this-
there'll be no kiss, no clinch,
no smoochy dance, no true romance.
You are Anonymous. You're Who?

Here's not looking, kid, at you.

Quote of the day: I don't know much about you. But I'm willing to take this chance. To jump off the edge. ~ Myself

~My Love Wears Forbidden Colours~

2010-03-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

Before starting this new post I would like to stress that the previous post was just a fragment of my imagination. I would never dream of confessing to anyone, regardless of all potential factors. I will stand by my principles that a proper lady should never do anything which would potentially harm her public image. If someone likes me enough, they should approach me. I will never ever in this whole life and the ones to come dare to confess. I fear rejection. So deeply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From being batteried by an over-amorous Italian bus conductor to being mistaken for a Japanese with American-Caribbean accent, I think I've pretty much seen enough of everything to last me a few lifetimes. It's a weird place to be, the UK. Or maybe it's just the weirdness of always being alone that draws the numerous amounts of attention.

The first day I moved into my hostel, I bumped into an Indian woman on the first floor. She stopped me. Yes? What is it? I just wanted to tell you that my son is staying here. On this floor. Flat 1. Room 3. I hope you become good friends, yes? No thanks. Right after that last sentence her son appeared. He looked like someone out of a Bollywood movie. Sunglasses and all. Made me wonder if she sent her son here for education or to search for a bride.

The next event occurred when I attended John Surman's saxophone masterclass. As usual I arrived way too early ahead of the class. As I was browsing through the artwork of prison inmates in the UK, the gallery assistant came over and tried to chat me up. The fact that he was not Asian meant he could never have piqued my interest. He shouldn't have wasted his time. Yet he did. He followed me everywhere I went and tried to pry into my personal life. Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, no. I've never had one. And I don't plan to. I have vowed to never marry in this life. Why ever not? I just don't like it. He then walked away. Good.

The most recent encounter has yet to be the worst memory of my life. Worse than being stalked by a crazy ex-teacher. My friend from Australia wanted to pay a visit to the most popular store in the UK, Primark. And so we had to split up and agreed to meet at a designated spot after 15 minutes. Sadly just minutes after she left I found myself lost in the midst of the crowd. As I moved around, I felt someone pushing from behind. Obviously, anyone in my situation would shrug it off. There were so many people. It's natural to have a degree of physical contact with strangers. Finally after a few minutes of fumbling around I managed to break free from the hustle and bustle. I continued walking but realised that something very odd. There was no one around me and yet I could swear I felt a hand on my....well...behind. I turned around and nearly bumped into that perverted old man. Turns out he had his filthy hands on my behind the entire time! I glared at him and was so desperate to shout out and unveil his hideous crime. But before I could do so, he ran as fast as he could with an absurdly sick grin on his face. I had felt so scared, so helpless at the time. And yet there was no one there to help me. No one to save me. No one to comfort me. Tears nearly welled in my eyes but I stayed strong. Oh how I wished at that time that there could be a guy beside me. Be it a lover or a friend. But I knew I had none. And so I moved on.

But these provocative encounters weren't just limited to the UK. The day I left for a flight from Hong Kong to Osaka left me with scars of the first member of the opposite sex to rest their head on my shoulders. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, I might have just strained my already bad neck muscles as my head subconsciously leaned towards the aisle to avoid any furthur contact.

A few years ago in Singapore, I had the most bizarre encounters ever. Our family stayed at the luxurious Swissotel Stamford Hotel suite. While my parents were having their afternoon nap, me and my brother decided to give ourselves a scrumptious treat. The decision made to pop down to the hotel's fancy restaurant for a bite of fondue with my younger brother, then 11, proved to be nothing but disastrous. The manager of the restaurant wouldn't leave me alone for even just one second. He stood there talking to me while my brother walloped the whole fondue set! I was left with bits of banana that had fallen from his mouth! The manager's obviously flirty language put me in a terrible disposition. I was only 14 for goodness sake!

The next day showed absolutely no hint of improvement to the situation as the pestering continued during breakfast. The manager insisted on me meeting his friend, the chef, for no apparent reason. Why would I be interested? Is this some sort of marriage arrangement? I should think not! He then went on and on about how they were such good friends and proceeded to actually choose food and piled them on my plate. I could take no more of their ongoing chatter and swiftly made my way back to my seat.

Hopping onto the MRT saw another encounter of a total random stranger trying to chat me up. The flirting might have worked at my then tender age if not for the sudden comment that I resembled an Indonesian Chinese. I took that as an insult. A great one indeed. But not anymore. These days I take it as a great compliment to my facial features. However till this day, my parents would never let it go. But you can't deny the fact that I don't look half Malaysian, or indeed Chinese at all.

I realise the main factor for all these unnecessary attention is desperate lonely men trying to take advantage of the situation. I never thought for a second that I would possess such appeal to older, desperate and flirtatious men. On second thought, I have no appeal. They're just desperate. But why me? I look old, no? Certainly I'm the last person on earth to be paedophile-bait. But reality proves otherwise. Not to mention the fact that you would have to subtract approximately 4 years off my current age in some of the above encounters. Thus confirms my theory that every man has a secret paedophile-ish tendency and fantasy hidden in their closets.

Just when I thought my life would finally break free from all the catastrophes, my mom enrolled me in swimming classes that involved an over-sensitive poker-faced coach who kept broadcasting his view that I was such an innocent wide-eyed girl who didn't look abit like a university student. I am till this day unable to comprehend where the idea of my innocence and cuteness originated in their minds.Who knew? I had always regarded my physical attractiveness as somewhat non-existent to younger people around my age. But it dosen't matter anymore. Who knows, my peculiar ability might just bag me a rich, handsome older guy of my dreams in the future.

There's a strange sense of calmness in being alone. Alone at the movies, alone at the restaurant, alone while waiting for the bus. It's never going to end is it? This epidemic of loneliness and misfortune.

Old men fetish? Not my fault, love. Just happen to be naturally favoured by older men, that's all. And that's what prompted me to be more attached to them then all the immature, wide-eyed youngsters out there.

Don't hate me for who I love, Hate me for who I am.
Judge me, I'll prove you wrong.
Tell me what to do, I'll tell you off.
Say I'm not worth it, And watch where I end up.
Screw me over, And I'll do it twice as bad.
Call me crazy, But you have no idea.

Quote Of The Day: You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realise is, I'm a damn good actress too ~ Unknown

~If You Only Knew~

2010-03-09T02:29:00.000-08:00

It's a secret

I'll confide it only to you

My sad broken-hearted story

My pure love story

I cried being rejected

That day riding my bicycle

I thought that I will never love again

But then we met

I can't lose to that love

I'll be able to say with a loud voice

I love you

To the lover of my fate

But this is only my secret to you

It must be karma. For I've rejected many and now many reject me. Hes too good for me. I'm too good for him. The never ending cycle of fate. We're merely pawns in this game of life. We are losers. We never win.

Quote of the day: You love her, But she loves him, And he loves somebody else,You just can't win - Love Stinks, J Geils Band

~For The Person I Love To Love Me Back Is A Miracle~

2010-03-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

My friend asked me one day, what do I look for in a guy? I told her theres no meaning or point to what I want because no guy is ever going to see anything good in me. It's not about what you want, it's about what the other person wants too. Sure, you may fall for a suave, handsome man but he probably isn't the least bit interested in girls your type. And honestly based on experience, pretty girls don't get handsome guys. Sorry. But that's just the way it goes. So if you think you're beautiful, sad to say your future hubby may not look the least bit like Tom Cruise or anyone similiar.

But just to humour all you curious people out there, these are what I look for in a guy which number #1 being the most important. *cough* Although I did say I'm never going to get married. Who knows, if someone fits the below description, I might just change my mind.

1. Intelligent (I absolutely detest stupid people. People who lack common sense. People who have no clue on current affairs. I want to have intelligent conversation often and have the other half teach me things Hahahaha It's like killing two birds with one stone. I get what I want and at the same time gain knowledge too)
2. Sophisticated (He dosen't have to be rich or anything like that. He just needs to possess at least the basic level of politeness in society or it'll be terrible embarrassing to introduce him to anyone. For example people who make rude noises in public or swear in public or display extravagant gestures)
3. Gentlemanly (I want someone who opens doors and holds out chairs for me. Someone who can read the situation and act accordingly. Someone who always foots the bill even though I insist on him not doing it. Someone who will give me his scarf/glove when I'm feeling cold. Someone who is not selfish)
4. Good Looking (I would be lying if I said this wasn't an important factor. But as everyone knows, my description of good looking is far from what an ordinary person would describe with the same word)
5. Suaveness (If there is such a word. It means charming, confident and elegant. Sad to say theres not many people like that out there these days)
6. Ambition (I don't care how good he is or if he had fulfilled all the above requirements. If you don't have ambition, you probably don't have a future. Sorry to say I'm materialistic. No money, no talk)
7. Down-to-Earth (I don't care if you're the Prince of England or whatever high-class socialite. If you're not humble, if you like boasting and showing off unnecessarily, you're too shallow and immature for me)
8. Observant (Must be able to read my thoughts and know what I want even before I know it myself. I'm really gonna love you if you are observant. Hahahahaha)
9. Capable (You may not earn alot in the future but if you're capable, the chances of you going far is really really high. I dislike people who can't get things done in time and people who are full of talk but empty in actions)

And here's probably the weirdest requirement of all.....But I'm sorry....

10.You can't and should not be any taller than 170cm (Tall guys intimidate me and make me feel insecure about my own height. But if you fit most of the description above, I can probably ignore this requirement if I'm feeling generous)

I should stop. Or the list would go on and on. Endless.

Some might then ask. You don't even possess half the qualities above. What makes you think you can bag a guy like that? Well, *ahem* as mentioned in my observation above, that sentence makes me extremely happy because perfect guys don't like perfect girls. I'm not perfect. Pick me please.

Although personally, without being arrogant or anything, I do think I have at least 8/10 of the qualities above. Maybe that's why I'm still single. And will forever be.

Quote of the Day: Unrequited love is not romantic. It is lonely and desperate. ~ Unknown

~My Heart Is An Endless Tunnel Of Doom~

2010-02-26T10:14:00.001-08:00

My real favorites are finally revealed!!! Surprised? :D Hahahahahaha
Sorry non-JE fans, even though you won't understand this post, still , theres eye candy....no?

Rank	NEWS Ranking Favorite (Top) to Least Favorite (Bottom)

Rank	Kanjani8 Ranking Favorite (Top) to Least Favorite (Bottom)

Rank	KAT-TUN Ranking Favorite (Top) to Least Favorite (Bottom)

Rank	Arashi Ranking Favorite (Top) to Least Favorite (Bottom)

Quote of the Day: 'I can't believe I did that. I just came out of the closet for real, didn't I? And I did it with a smile. 'Hello, Japan. I'm gay!' ~ Eiri Yuki, Gravitation

~I Won't Run Away Anymore~I Won't Go Back On My Word~

2010-02-02T01:19:00.000-08:00

You vs 200000 Lazy People

Most people don't win by brains alone. And it should be obvious by now that most of the successful people in this world are not born smart. And so I came across a really stimulating read. Of which I'm sure all of you would agree to its contents.

What Does It Take To Succeed?

With so many distractions around you, what does it take to stay focused on your goal and keep going until you succeed?
The answer is, Self Discipline.
Self Discipline, absolutely must be developed in order to succeed.
Self Discipline is the ability to force yourself to do something you know you should do, whether you feel like it or not. Read that sentence again and memorise it.
If you didn’t read that sentence again, you just did something easy over something that was hard.
90% of people do this.

Now have a look at this short list. See if you can notice what these people have in common?

Donald Trump
Jay Leno
Margaret Thatcher
Thomas Edison
Napoleon Bonaparte

Any ideas? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.They are all famous four hour sleepers!
Whilst you may not have a global corporation or a country to run (and so can probably get away with a few extra hours in bed), the point is, successful people dislike the same things you dislike but discipline themselves to do it anyway.
Why do they do things they dislike? Because they know that is the price they must pay for success. This is why self discipline is so important in achieving success.
Remember, you are competing for success against a population who are mainly lazy, greedy and think only of short term gain. If you can force yourself to do what you should do, whether you feel like it or not, your success is virtually guaranteed.

Most People Are Not Interested In Self Discipline. Don’t believe me? Have a look at these statistics.

In 1 month of this year, 2,800 people searched for the word ‘self discipline’. Guess how many searched for the word ‘fun’?

200,000!!!!

I'm telling you this because you don't get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Get it?

Quote of the day: A: It was done by err...Watcha say...Malice aforethought
   B: You did it on purpose?
   A: Yes
   ~ Tv Show - Fonejacker, UK Channel 4

~Sketches I'm Extremely Proud Of~

2010-01-25T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'm very aware that none of these are perfect. In fact, the flaws are so obvious. But I'm ever so fond of them, and they're my first ever drawings. I spent day and night working on these and finally have something to call my own. Comments are deeply appreciated.

2010-01-22T04:40:00.001-08:00

This really really absolutely made my day! :D

~The Naive Girl's Guide To Growing Up In Love~

2010-01-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

Men who want girls to initiate the first move are losers. Don't even bother with people who can't even muster up enough courage to ask a girl out if he really fancies her. Don't give in to temptations of seriously carrying out the first move. He might think he likes it, but months on, you'll only look easy and sleazy. Save it girls, I'd rather suffer in silence without ever knowing what he thinks than embarass myself with a potential rejection. He'll probably blab about you to his mates later on, saying what a stupid person you are to even think you have a chance.

There's a limit for everything. Especially men's patience. Sure, your clutzy cute antics and whining might amuse him for awhile. Believe me, a few months on, his ears will be completely soundproof towards you and that's when he starts giving short, annoyed responses to your every sentence. He might even be eyeing that cool goth chick who never utters a single word. Such temptation.

You treasure your doll/money/fashion/clothes/face over everything else that you ought to be cherishing. Do the same for your man's pride. It's all they have to remind themselves of their puny existence in this world. (I maintain the statement that women are far more superior) Hurt your man's pride, you might just as well kiss the relationship goodbye. Trust me, you would never want to do that. So before you start nagging and grumbling about how insensitive, rude, useless, stupid, ugly your man is in front of others (especially when your man is just right beside you), think about how much you want to treasure this relationship. If you really hate him that much, why even go out with him in the first place?

There is such a thing as Prince Charming. It's just that he's never gonna want you. So stop dreaming. Thinking like that might just increase your chances by a 100%. And you could one day shout "Hah! In your face!" to those desperate slags out there who tail him and annoy people with their constant lines of worship towards him. Honestly, he's just human.

Don't look now, but the guy in your dreams has just appeared. Now before you start going on about how much you love him and think the world of him, face it girl, you don't even know him! No matter what your friends or his friends might say about him, the truth is that what you hear is most likely a bloated image of what he really is. Come on, he might act nice just to maintain his Mr Popular image but once you come to really know him, he might just turn out to be a sleazebag whos even worse than that geeky guy who happens to have a crush on you. So before you throw your precious little heart away to some stranger, try getting to know him a little better. It might take time, but if hes really the guy in your dreams, it'll be worth the wait.

A nice guy is a nice guy. He's not a guy whos in love with you. Just because he helped you with your heavy shopping bags, walked you home and offered to do your homework, dosen't mean hes in love with you. How then will you know it's real? Well, when he starts waiting for you like a crazy stalker in front of your class, making stupid comments on the weather just to get you to talk to him, showering you with unexpected gifts and gives every excuse to act nice to you just for you to notice him as a friend, the you know it's real. Of course I'm not saying that there are no exceptions. For one, he could just be a sex-crazed maniac who's trying to woo you over to his humble dwellings, or two he might just be a really really nice guy friend who also coincidentally happens to be gay.

A baby bird must learn to fly. So must you. If it's over, it's over. Don't cry over spilt milk. Stop thinking about whose fault it is. Just move on girl! Theres plenty of fish in the sea. And don't give me the crap that hes supposed to be your soulmate or the love of your life. If he was, the

relationship would never have ended in the first place. Your clingy, till-death-do-us-part attitude just ignites the hate in him. It's like pouring petrol over a burning fire. You are the one who's gonna get burnt, not the fire. It's still going strong, and your attitude has just made him even stronger and more determined to get away from (and possibly burn) you.

Things change. The weather changes, your face changes and so does your body weight. But one thing never does. And that's your guy. Men are never going to change. For better or for worse. Coming up with an excuse such as 'he wasn't like this before we got together' is lame, stupid and proves how ignorant and unobservant you were. The truth is that he was always like this and he was pretending all this while to win your heart.

Married men are so tempting. I admit it. They're gorgeous, romantic, intelligent, witty and everything you could ever possibly want in a man. They act like they're single and available and you just fall head over heels. Whats more, they're forbidden fruit. Not even Eve could resist this temptation. But before you start fantasizing about your possible 'future' together or how he's gonna leave his wife and run away with you, I'll be honest with you and tell you that it's never gonna happen, what more have a happy ending. Think about it, if he's a good man, if he's the oh-so-charming prince that you fell in love with, it would never occur in his mind to leave his faithful wife for an outsider like you. No matter how gorgeous, sexy, irrisistable or charming you appear to him. On the other hand, if he's a perv out looking for a one night stand, that's exactly what he might say to you. He'll brand your mind with thoughts of a new world together, possibly running off to Hawaii and living there happily ever after. Come on, you're not gonna believe that, are you?

To be continued......

Interview With Author:

Question #1

Why did you decide to write this guide?

Why did I write this? Because honestly, theres just too many stupid girls and woman out there. And I can't stand it.

窗外

2010-01-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

“江雁容！”中午，班长李燕捧着一大叠改好的作业本进来，一面叫着说：“康南叫你到他那里去拿你的日记本！”
程心雯耸耸肩，望着江雁容说：
“康南就喜欢这样，不把你的日记本交给班长拿来，要你自己去拿，故作神秘！”江雁容从位子上站起来，忽然失去单独去取日记本的勇气，她跑到后面，拉了周雅安一起走出教室。周雅安挽着她的手臂走着，嘴里轻快的哼着一支英文歌。江雁容审视了她几秒钟，说：“你这两天不大对头。”
“你也不大对头。”周雅安说。
“我吗？”江雁容抬抬眉毛：“我不觉得我有什么不对头。你到底是怎么回事？”“说出来你会骂我，”周雅安说：“我和小徐的误会解除了，我们已经讲和。”“老天！什么是误会？他的女朋友吗？”江雁容说。
“是的，他否认那是他的女朋友，他说那只是普通同学，在街上碰到了，偶然走在一起的！”“你相信了？”江雁容问。
“不十分相信，”周雅安避开江雁容的眼光：“可是，我勉强自己相信。”“你为什么要这样？”“我没办法，”周雅安说，望着脚下的楼梯，皱皱眉头：“我爱他，我实在没有办法。”
江雁容默然不语，半天后才说：
“你使我想起毛姆的人性枷锁那本书，你已经被锁住了。周雅安，你只好受他的折磨，前辈子你大概欠了他的债！”
周雅安不说话，她们走到康南的门前，江雁容正想伸手敲门，周雅安拉住她说：“该我问问你了，你这两天神情恍惚，是什么事情？”
“什么事都没有。”江雁容说。
“那个附中的学生还在巷子里等你吗？”
“还在。”“你还没有理过他？”“别胡思乱想了，我下辈子才会理他呢！”江雁容说，伸手敲门。门开了，康南看着江雁容，有点诧异她会拉了一个同伴一起来。江雁容站在门口，没有进去的意思，她说：
“我来拿日记本。”声音淡淡的。
康南回转身子，有些迟疑，终于从枕头底下拿出了江雁容的日记本。看到康南把江雁容的日记本放在枕头底下，周雅安很快的扫了江雁容一眼，但江雁容脸上毫无表情。康南把本子递给江雁容，她默默的接了过去，对康南迅速的一瞥，她接触到一对十分温柔的眼睛。握住本子，她低低的说了一声谢，几乎是匆忙的拉着周雅安走了。
走出单身宿舍，在校园的小树林外，周雅安说：
“我们到荷花池边上去坐坐。”
江雁容不置可否的走过去，她们在荷花池边的石头上坐下来，周雅安从旁边的一株茶花树上摘下一个红色的蓓蕾，放在掌心中拨弄着。江雁容打开了那本日记，一张折叠成四方形的信笺从里面落了下来，她立即拾起来。周雅安装作没有看见，走到小桥上去俯视底下的水。江雁容紧紧的握着那张信笺，觉得心跳得反常，打开信笺，她看了下去：
“孩子：——”看了这个称呼，她感到一阵莫名其妙的激动。好半天，才继续看下去：

“孩子：
你肯把你这些烦恼和悲哀告诉我，可见得你并没有把老师当做木钟！你是我教过的孩子里最聪明的一个，我几乎不能相信像你这样的孩子竟得不到父母的怜爱，我想，或者是因为你太聪明了，你的聪明害了你。我第一次看到你，就觉得你轻灵秀气，不同凡响，以后，许多地方也证实了我的看法。你是个生活在幻想中的孩子，你为自己编织了许多幻梦，然后又在现实中去渴求幻想里的东西。于是，你的痛苦就更多于你本来所有的那一份烦恼。孩子，这世界并不是件件都能如人意的。我但愿我能帮助你，不止于空空泛泛的鼓励和安慰。看了你的日记，使我好几次不能卒读。你必须不对这世界太苛求，没有一个父母会不爱他们的孩子，虽然，爱有偏差，但你仍然拥有一个幸福的家庭，许多人还会羡慕你呢！如果真得不到父母的宠爱，又何必去乞求？你是个天份极高的孩子，我预测你有成功的一天！把一切的烦恼抛开吧！你还年轻，前面有一大段的生命等着你，我相信我一定能看到你成功。到那时候，我会含笑回忆你的日记和你那份哀愁。
我曾经有个女儿，生于民国三十年，死于民国三十二年，我这一生是没有女儿可教的了！如果我能够，我但愿能给你一份父爱，看着你成长和成功！
酒后提笔写这封信，杂乱无章，不知所云。希望你能了解我醉后含泪写这封信的苦心，有一天，你们都成功了，我也别无所求了！
康南”

江雁容看完了信，呆呆的坐着，把手放在裙褶里。这是一封非常简短的信，但她却感到一股汹涌的大浪潮，卷过了她，也淹没了她。她苍白的脸显得更苍白，黑眼珠里却闪耀着一层梦似的光辉，明亮得奇异，也明亮得美丽。她把信再看了一遍。眼前似乎浮起了一个烟蒂上的火光，在火光上，是一缕如雾的青烟，烟雾中，是一张令人迷惑的脸；宽宽的前额，浓而微蹙的眉毛，那对如海般深奥而不可测的眼睛，带着智慧与高傲的神采，那弯曲如弓的嘴边，有着倔强自负的坚定。她垂下头，感到一份窒息的热情在她的心中燃烧。她用手指在信笺上轻轻抚摩过去，自言自语的低声说：“康南，如果你对我有某种感情，绝不止于父亲对女儿般的爱，你用不着欺骗自己！如果我对你有某种感情，也绝不止于女儿对父亲的爱！”周雅安走了过来，把手放在江雁容肩上说：
“怎么样？看完没有？”
江雁容抬起头来，注视着周雅安，她那燃烧着的眼睛明亮而湿润。周雅安坐到江雁容身边，突然捧起江雁容的脸，凝视着她的眼睛，微笑着说：
“她们都说我们是同性恋，现在我真有这种感情，看到你这种神情，使人想吻你！”
江雁容不动，继续望着周雅安。说：
“周雅安，我有一个梦，梦里有个影子。几个月来，这个梦模模糊糊，这个影子也模模糊糊。可是，现在这个梦使我精神恍惚，这个影子使我神魂不定。周雅安，我该怎么办？”
周雅安放开江雁容，望了她一会儿说：
“别说得那么文诌诌的，梦呀影子的。你恋爱了！我真高兴你也会恋爱，也尝尝这种滋味！几个月前，你还在嘲笑我呢！”“不要说废话，告诉我怎么办？”
“怎么办？”周雅安轻松的说：“把影子抓住，把梦变成现实，不就行了？”“没有那么简单，假如那么简单，也不叫它做梦和影子了！”江雁容说，低头望着膝上的信纸。
“是他吗？”周雅安拿起那张信笺问。
江雁容沉默的点了点头。于是，周雅安也沉默了。半天后，周雅安才自言自语的说：
“我早料到这事的可能性了！大家说他偏心你，别人的周记只批一两句，你的批那么多，你的作文本他要题上一首诗，再亲自跑到三层楼上来送给你！这份感情大概早就发生了，是吗？”“我不知道，”江雁容苦恼的说，“但愿什么都不要发生，但愿这世界上根本没有我！”
“又说傻话了！”周雅安说，握住江雁容的手：“该来的一定会来，别逃避！‘爱’的本身是没有罪的，不是吗？这话好像是你以前说的。记得你自己的论调吧？爱，没有条件，没有年龄、金钱、地位、人种一切的限制！”
江雁容垂下眼帘，望着那张信纸，突然笑起来说：
“他要把我当女儿呢！”
周雅安拿起那张信纸：
“我能看吗？”她问。江雁容点点头，周雅安看完了，把它放回江雁容手里，困惑的说：“这封信很奇妙，不是吗？大概连他自己也弄不清楚他的感情。”上课号响了。江雁容站起身来，拍拍身上的灰尘。忽然间，所有的烦恼都离开了她，一种奇异的感觉渗透进她的血管中，她像被一股温暖的潮水所包围住，每个细胞和毛孔都像从睡梦中觉醒，在准备迎接一个新的，美好的外界。她的心脏是一片鼓满风的帆，涨满了温情。她懒洋洋的伸了个懒腰，把日记本和信纸收好，微笑的说：
“我们上楼吧！”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“你还没有改笔记本吧，老师？我忘了一点东西！”
康南关上房门，默默的望着江雁容，这张苍白的小脸多么可爱！江雁容的眼睛张大了，惊惶的望望康南，就冲到书桌前面，她一眼就看到自己那本摊开的笔记本，于是，她知道她不必找寻了。回转身来，她靠在桌子上，惶惑的注视着康南，低声说：“老师，还给我！”康南望着她，根本没听到她在说什么。“这个小女孩，小小的小女孩，纯洁得像只小白鸽子。”他想，费力的和自己挣扎，想勉强自己不去注视她。但，她那对惊惶的眼睛在他面前放大，那张变得更加苍白的脸在他眼前浮动，那震颤的，可怜兮兮的声音在他耳边轻轻飘过：
“老师，还给我，请你！”
康南走到她旁边，在床沿上坐下来。从口袋里拿出那两片花瓣。“是这个吗？”他问。
江雁容望望那两片花瓣，并不伸手去接，又把眼光调回到康南的脸上。她的眼睛亮了，那抹惊惶渐渐消失，取而代之的，是一种梦似的光辉。她定定的看着他，苍白的脸全被那对热情的眸子照得发亮，小小的嘴唇微微悸动，她的手抓住面前的一张椅子的扶手，纤长的手指几乎要陷进木头里去。
“喔，老师。”她喃喃的说，像在做梦。
“江雁容，”他费力的说，觉得嘴唇发干。“拿去吧。”他把那两片花瓣送到她面前。
她没有伸手去拿，也没有去看那花瓣，她的眼光仍然停留在他脸上，一瞬也不瞬。
“老师，”她说，低低的，温柔的。“老师！你在逃避什么？”
康南的手垂了下来，他走过去，站在江雁容的面前。
“江雁容，出去吧，离开这房间！”他暗哑的说。
“老师，你要我走？”她轻轻的问，站直了身子，转向门口。康南迅速的把手压在她的手背上，于是，一股旋干转坤般的大力量征服了他，他握紧了这只手，想说什么，却说不出口。江雁容的眼睛燃烧着，嘴里模糊的反复的说：“老师，老师，老师。”
康南抚摩着这只手，这手是冰冷的。
“你穿得太少了！”他说。
“中午脱了一件毛衣，下午忘了穿。”她说，轻声的。眼睛里在微笑。康南不再说话，就这样，他们静静的站了好一会儿。然后，康南叹了口气，把江雁容拉到自己的胸前，他揽住她，让她小小的，黑发的头靠在他的胸口。他不再费力和自己挣扎，他低声说：“从没有一个时候，我这么渴望自己年轻些！”
江雁容紧紧的靠着他，眼睛里有着对幸福的憧憬和渴求。她望着窗子，雨水正在窗玻璃上滑落。“多美的图案！”她想。雨滴叮叮咚咚的敲击着窗子，“多美的音乐！”她又想。微笑着闭上眼睛，尽力用她的全心去体会这美丽的人生。

~Don't Love Me~You'll Suffer With My Heart Thats Filled With A Thousand Winters~

2009-11-19T12:05:00.000-08:00

Looking out my window. With the company of Diana Krall's husky voice. Sprinkles of red, green and blue. The purples follow closely behind, not wanting to lose the chance of glory. Lonely fireworks spring up into the sky. Just like my feelings of dread and sorrow. They look plain and miniscule at first, but they soon sprout into the lonely night sky and end their short lives with tails of sprinkling stars. They vanished like the wind. But they come and go and soon I will be having a date with the negativities of my life again. I might have fallen in love tonight.

I ponder on my past again. Of all the things I've experienced, learned and known. None of them nice. None entirely unpleasant. Bittersweet. That's what they are. Just like coffee. I hate the aftertaste. Yet I always order it. I never enjoy it. It's just something to quench my undying thirst for misery. One of my closer friend once mentioned in her blog, a long post of a certain someone constantly hovering around her. The moment my eyes glimpsed across one particular word, my heart came to a halt. Not only did the word bring back the hauntings of my past, it brought back the anxiety, the fear, and the hate that I had came to erase from my memory. It taught me a valuable lesson. One I will cherish for life. But this does not stop me from wanting more. I am foolish, yes. But even the most flawless creature will have its earthly blemishes.

You gain some, you lose some. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing we gain will ever make us complete. We are petty, critical and so unappreciative of all that we have. We feel like the happiest, luckiest person in the world when we see our wants landing so perfectly in our hands. And yet, when we are so full of it, the sense of gratitude fades hastily away. Thus said, I have yet to master the art of it. No doubt, I might never will. Perhaps it's the higher power above that find me worthy of such cruel dejection. Perhaps I'm the pawn in the cruel hands of fate. I accept what is coming. But I am not backing down, am not giving in. I will not lose control of what little trace of sanity I have left.

I possess no expectations. As such, I am never disappointed. I always think on the down side. And that is why I am always pleasantly surprised. I thought I was last, but it turns out that I won. I thought you paid no heed to me, but it turns out that I might just possess a special place in your heart. You wanted me to stop this nonsense. This negative attitude towards everything in life. I'm sorry. I can't do it. I hope you understand. It's just the way it is. I will never change for anyone, not even for you. You said that I'll learn someday. Someday, that all my dreams and ambitions now would prove fruitless. You told me there are better things in life to look forward to. But knowing me, I'm sure that in the future, you'll find yourself looking at the same old me. Wiser, no doubt, but more or less dominating the same demented disposition. I will prove to you that I can keep my promises. I will show you that I'm strong. And I'll show you that you would have no sane way of forgetting me. At least, not in this lifetime.

I admit I'm no saint. I've committed my share of sins. Exacting revenge. Taking ruthless measures. Hurting countless number of souls. Do I regret my actions? No. For they have taken me where I am today. And from where I stand, I have no regrets. Some may say I'm mean and evil. But aren't us all? Who are they to judge me when they're so blinded by their scum filled illusions of superiority? I don't care if I'm not accepted by some. I don't care if I'm not part of your world. In fact, I detest the thought of being in it. I don't care if you're jealous. I don't care if you hate me. The truth is, there is no need for me to sink to your level. I know my place. You should know yours. You know what you're never going to get, and that constant buildup of hate is not going to change things. I'm not as stupid as you think. In fact, I'm far ahead. Even if you have anticipated my moves, remember. I'm always a step ahead of you.

Quote Of The Day: I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. ~ Unknown

~I Inflated False Expectations And Misunderstood Your Intentions~

2009-10-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have never felt worse in my entire life. Others call it bad luck. It's destiny, I say. You gain something, and there must be something to compensate for that undeserved acquisition. What, you might ask, happened to my morbidly disastrous life? Well for one I suffered astonishingly severe physical blemishes to my unearthly self. It was the fingernails at first. I blamed it on my laziness to take the initiative to cut them. Next the damned oven took away a dollar-sized piece of the skin between my thumb and index finger. Finally the bloody pedestrians who wouldn't give way for my bicycle to cross on the pavement made me land headfirst onto the concrete floor, scraping a 5x5 cm skin away from my fragile left knee. That's just great. I am now left with an unusable right hand and unmovable left leg.Not to mention the fact that I'm now scarred for life. Literally. Just great. What a way to start my planned weekend getaway in London.

Silence has left my inner-self in a flurried state. Having nowhere to turn to, I turn to my books. No help at all. They left me in a deeper state of desperation. Stop wondering if it's academical books I'm turning to. Rest assured they're books that leave the soul cold and in despair. (Possibly like a foolish person who left his umbrella at home knowing that it was going to rain but decided to leave it simply because holding an umbrella is so unhunky-dory.) Not a genre most would be fond of but I'm proud to call myself a fan.Getting impatient aren't we? The clue lies in the quote of the day. If you get the hint. I managed to stock up at least a dozen of them books. Don't you just love the UK? It's a scandal-filled place to be.

Have started talking to myself lately. It's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation. Too many British comedies can kill.

Quote Of The Day: He's my teacher. I shouldn't be alone with him. But I can't help that he's irresistible ~A Season Of Eden by JM Warwick

~I Love Being Different~It Attracts Attention~

2009-10-15T14:33:00.000-07:00

History was written by those who hanged the heroes. It is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. We don't learn from history. We never do. We merely commit an array of distinct genres of foolish enterprises which subsequently creates this so-called history to fill the minds of generations to come with utter rot and false delusions of eulogy. We don't learn from our mistakes. Hell no. We just repeat them in different patterns that shroud our minds into believing that it's a totally new failing experience.

I'm fickle minded. I admit it. But what of decisiveness? What of putting your foot down and ending up making a wrong decision? Nothing. Better to have tested the scales than to take a side and subsequently plummet down the scales of regret.

I sometimes tell myself its karma. For rejecting, hurting and crushing their weak souls, leaving no trace of their pride. They live happily now, but I cower in the shadows of guilt.

You can never gain unless you lose. I wanted to be someone that I wasn't. Now I am that someone. But there will be no turning back. No regaining, no reposession of my precious youth. I've lost it all in this pawn between fate and destiny. Maturity, what of it? Wisdom? I shudder to think so. I may know alot, but I'm lightyears away from being an intellectual. I hover between the lines of frustrated middle-aged woman and crazy schoolgirl. It flushes to waste all my futile attempts in reclaiming it. What happened to my smiles, my childishness, my laughter, my friends, my life? Why have I forced myself to grow up? I think I know the answer. And my parents are wholly responsible. It is, after all, their greatest dream to see me become a Professor.

My obsession with jazz makes me older than I really am. Either that or I'm really becoming old. I feel the chakra drain from my weary soul. I feel so tired. So uninterested in any of life's changes. Wonder if it's the price to pay for the trade which I'm placed at the losing end. Holding on to the last strand of rope at the crossing of death's bridge, success seems so far away. Maybe I should have thrown in confidence into the deal. Because right now all I feel are insecurities and jealousy.

Elegy made me feel sick. It's downright disgusting. That possessiveness, that insecurity, that stalker-like tendency. But I have no right to say that. I risk being called the tolerant one who receives the compassionate stares of the passer-bys. I refuse to be haunted by it. No more, no more.

Quote Of The Day: While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die ~ Leonardo Da Vinci

~When You Were Starting To Learn About Life~I Was Still A Child In Middle School~

2009-10-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

Finally after enduring 13 hours of sitting (Yes, sitting, no sleeping, moving, walking and miscellaneous other bodily movements) on the cramped up enough-for-an-average-sized-person seat on MAS, I finally arrived at Heathrow airport, tired, cranky and looking like I just killed a cat.

Well if you were expecting a more glamorous first post depicting my morbidly depressing new life, well then you would be better off looking elsewhere. Remember this, when I promise a blog post, it's like promising to reclaim my dead pets's ashes from the sea at Port Klang. It ain't gonna happen baby. I just don't feel its fair that the entire world be exposed to my personal life and happenings. If I like you enough, I'll tell. Otherwise the only words I have for you is 'tough luck mate'.

I do not feel the need to please anyone. Although what I constantly do revolves around the impression brought upon others. I contradict myself. Constantly. But that's the way my life evolves. I do things for the dumbest reasons. I want to stop. I know I should stop. No one is slightly interested in what I post on my blog anyway. But the thought that someone might still be waiting, waiting for the next post, keeps me hanging onto this foolish time-wasting activity one calls blogging.

I seek to maintain a so-called image of myself. They say I'm smart, cute, quiet, snobbish, weird, confident, strong willed. But none of this was what I wanted to be labelled as. I don't even believe the truth in half of them and that it represents the real me. I might have been popular once. Yes, been. But now my life is in shambles. I'm unashamed to admit that I lost myself on the path of life. Never have I felt more insignificant and insecure. I yearn to share my woes but realistically, I'm of no importance to anyone to impart such troubles upon them. Some things are best left unsaid. But the thought of it kills me.

My life is a cruel game manipulated by the hands of fate. The more I do not want something or to see someone, the more likely the opposite of it occurs. It's like magic I swear. It dosen't take forever. Probably only a few minutes at most. The moment I start thinking,"I hope I don't bump into *insert name here*," I'll see them appear in front of me. The moment I start thinking,"I hope I don't get put into this group," I'll be put into said hated group. Hey, I might even have procured a special ability here if I do say so myself.

Thus ends so-called first post of a new beginning. I wouldn't call it that though. It seems more like the end. Even Satan wouldn't have an idea when my next post would appear. Must remind myself to forget something before I drift off to sleep with my new vampire bear companion Severus. Must reclaim my beauty sleep. Am becoming sad, old and tired.

Quote of the day: Oh Darling, what a bore!!! ~Bubbles DeVere, Little Britain

Sneak Peak Of My Ongoing Book:

Sardonic Angels of the Underworld
~Satan is not seen as caring, loving, compassionate or sympathetic of the plight of us mortals. He is seen as ruthless, like nature and unfair life. He will never step into your life and make it better, he will never do things for you.~

~They dropped their respective surnames, comparing it to a shell of individuality and bloodlines.~
~Long ago when believers of God envisioned His creation of earth, the existence of deities and demons had enshrouded the minds of mortals. Whether through the powers of their overactive imaginations or the desire to worship the good and condemn the evil......etc~

~Lucifer: You have sinned!
Belial: I know the scriptures perfectly well, thank you...
Lucifer: And yet you have betrayed it. there'll be hell to pay when Satan hears of this!!!
Belial: Not if you keep your bloody mouth shut!!!

Enraged, Lucifer grabbed Belial by his collar and pinned him to the wall. The damp rocks and Lucifer's cold breath sent a shudder down his spine. Lucifer was so close, close enough for Belial to feel his breath running down his spine. "No," he thought, for he musn't succumb to this temptation, even if it meant losing Lucifer.~

也许有一天

2009-10-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

现在也只能欣赏

唯一的合照一张

淡忘了的是那个街角

想念的是当时的微笑

生活中交错失望

越想念就越孤单

若再被寂寞迎头赶上

多感伤原来只是正常

你是不是也在品尝

一个人的咖啡和天光

是不是也忽然察觉到

多出时间看天色的变换

如果有一天我们再见面

时间会不会倒退一点

也许我们都忽略

互相伤害之外的感觉

如果哪一天我们都发现

好聚好散不过是种遮掩

如果我们没发现

就给彼此多一点时间
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

沒別的　只想說對不起　對不起　我真的愛你

不管你會怎麼想　你怎麼說　也不會改變我的決定

你知道　有時候感情事很難說　很難說　愛人或朋友

從前到現在我真的感覺要　一想你　我的心就發燒

想給你聽我的心跳　想你知道我睡的不好

喝水想著你　搭車想著你　闔眼閉眼間　出現的全是你

我猜不到你的表情　我等不到你的回應

不想難為你　又不想放棄你　決定告訴你　對不起對不起　我愛你

沒別的　只想說對不起　怎麼樣　我都會珍惜

不管你會怎麼講　你怎麼做　也不會影響我的心情

你知道　有時候男孩更難捉摸　難捉摸　愛人或朋友

現在到永遠我真會感覺要　一想你　我的心就狂跳

我的模樣記不記得牢　情人卡有沒有收到

讀書想著你　聽歌想著你　大地和藍天　出現的全是你

我才不管你的表情　我才不理你回不回應

不想難為你　又不想放棄你　決定告訴你　對不起對不起　我愛你

Scattered Pictures Of My Life

~One Step Closer To Heaven~Means One Step Closer To You~

~If You Leave Me Now~You'll Take Away The Very Heart Of Me~

~L~Is For The Way You Look At Me~O~Is For The Only One I See~

~Objection~I Don't Wanna Be The Exception~To Get A Bit Of Your Attention~

~Vanilla Salt~Not Candy~Love Tastes Bitter~

~Everyday I Love You~

~You're The Meaning In My Life~You're The Inspiration~

~On And On~He Just Keeps On Trying~And He Smiles When He Feels Like Crying~

~Underneath It All~You're Really Lovely~

~From This Moment On~

~Lies~You Hide Behind Your Lies~Come Break My Heart With Honesty Instead~

~原來你什麼都不想要~

~Dreams Last For So Long~Even After You're Gone~

~Are We Really Happy With This Crazy Game We Play~We're Lost In This Masquerade~

~Nothing Can Take Away These Blues~Cause Nothing Compares To You~

~Well~I'm Not Too Clever~I Just Adore You~

~He Can Laugh~But I Love It~Although The Laugh's On Me~

~Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue~

~His Eyes Are Like Angels~But His Heart Is Cold~

~スウイチ~アイ ラブ ユウ~

~It Just Isn't Right~I've Been Two Thousand Miles~Down A Dead End Road~

~Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby~

~When A Lovely Flame Dies~Smoke Gets In Your Eyes~

~Never Wanna Wake Up~Because Dreams Are Better Than Reality~

~Like The Bossa Nova~Love Should Swing~

~Bewitched~Bothered~Bewildered~

~My Prerogative~I Say What I Want~I Do What I Want~

~When You're Looking Like That~

~Fool No More~

~I Love Him~But Only On My Own~

~Porque~Seguir Amandote~Es Inevitable~

~你的微笑~

~For Your Eyes Only~

~I'm Coming Home~

~我真的要用麻坡的华语~来告诉你我西北Suka你~

《牵。幸福之手》

~未完待续~

~如果需要动用奇迹来召唤回你~就让泪蒸发下成雪花~

~Hmmph~Now You Know~

~不想做個戴面具的小丑~

~Yes I Love You~你聽見了嗎~

~Aku Tak Bodoh Seperti Kekasihmu Yang Lain~

~Can I Make You Love Me~No I Can't~Nobody Can~

~Thanks For Nothing~

~我的眼眶淚太滿~走不回你身邊~

~We Both Are Like A Mirror~And You Would Be My Reflection~

~Can't Lose What You Never Had~

~The Naive Girl's Guide To Growing Up In Love Part 2~

~Hey Can You Tell Me~What Am I To You~

~Please Bear With Me~I'm Slightly Depressed And Delusional~

~It's Too Much Pain To Love A Man You Have To Share~

~I Give Up~

~To The Unknown Lover~

~My Love Wears Forbidden Colours~

~If You Only Knew~

~For The Person I Love To Love Me Back Is A Miracle~

~My Heart Is An Endless Tunnel Of Doom~

~I Won't Run Away Anymore~I Won't Go Back On My Word~

~Sketches I'm Extremely Proud Of~

~The Naive Girl's Guide To Growing Up In Love~

窗外

~Don't Love Me~You'll Suffer With My Heart Thats Filled With A Thousand Winters~

~I Inflated False Expectations And Misunderstood Your Intentions~

~I Love Being Different~It Attracts Attention~

~When You Were Starting To Learn About Life~I Was Still A Child In Middle School~

也许有一天

~スウイチ~アイラブユウ~